Agnostic Mom

When I was a young girl, my friend’s little brother used to walk around, muttering like an old man, “I hate the devil, and I hate Russians.”

He couldn’t have been more than four years old. It was the Cold War. It was common American knowledge, passed from adults to children, that all Russians were evil.

Although my husband would describe me as opinionated (and I guess that’s his opinion), I try to take a nuetral stance with my children on most matters. It’s more important to teach them to question things, look for facts and evidence, and use their reasoning skills, than it is to get them to think what I think.

My other goal is to send the message that it is okay if their opinions don’t agree with my own.

During last year’s presidential elections, Blake (age 7) decided he was pro-Bush, and Trinity (age 5) said she was pro-Kerry. They were both fully confident with their choices and had no problems disagreeing with each other, or with anyone else. When President Bush won, Blake felt victorious. Trinity stayed loyal to Kerry.

I had a fascinitating conversation with Blake yesterday. Somehow we started talking about “bad world leaders” who killed innocent people and children. We talked about Hitler and World War II, and Saddam Hussein. Based on those two examples Blake made a false conclusion. “Oh, so every time a country has a bad leader we start a war with them?”

“No, no, ” I told him, “there are many leaders, like the ones over Cuba and North Korea, who we haven’t gone to war with. Usually they have to do something that affects us before we will go to war with them.”

So, Blake wanted to know why we declared war on Iraq. I told him we thought Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

I may have some opinions about the war. The facts we know tend to be the ones that support our own opinion, but I do my best to give a little information from both sides. Then I ask my kids what they think about it.

I told Blake that although a few people didn’t think Iraq had the weapons, President Bush was sure they did, so we declared war on Iraq. We got Saddam Hussein and put him in prison, but then we realized they didn’t actually have weapons of mass destruction.

Blake immediately voiced his opinion, “Well, we need to stop the war then!”

Once again I tried to stay nuetral, “A lot of people agree with you, but there are others, including President Bush, who think we need to continue because the ones fighting now us will probably take over the country if we leave, and then they will have a bad leader again.”

Blake’s support of Bush doesn’t make him feel the need to always agree with him. Blake reasoned, “But the longer we stay, the more problems we’re going to have. It will just get worse.”

I supported Blake’s own opinion, but since he never asked me mine, I didn’t give it. If he had asked I would have told him. Then I would have followed it with the question, “What do you think?” This gives him the message that I respect his ability to form his own opinion, even if it doesn’t agree with my own.

We shouldn’t stay nuetral on everything. Kids need to know there are some boundaries of right and wrong, safety and danger, in order to feel secure. They also need to know about things that could hurt them.

When Trinity asked me what came first, “Do you have a baby and then get married”, I gave my opinion! “You get married and THEN you can have a baby.” This is an issue that will impact her life and her children’s lives.

What is not vital to their well-being is whether Bush or Kerry was the right choice, other whether or not we should pull out of Iraq. That is strictly opinion.

The same goes with religious matters for an agnostic family. I have not tried to persuade my kids that there is no god, or that Jesus is not a god. When they ask me, I tell them that Christians believe Jesus was God, but I think he was just a good man whose followers decided later that he was a god. Then I ask them what they think.

So far they’ve come back with the opinion that Jesus is God. That’s what I originally taught them. It’s what they hear from their friends and what they hear at church with Nana when Israel and I travel. In the past it has frustrated me. It still get nervous, but I think it’s okay for now.

If the tooth fairy and Santa exist for the kids’ pleasure, why not a god? It’s not important at this age. What is important is that they learn to ask, reason, and have confidence in their opinions.