Reader Comments
I hope to explore a contrast between two of the comments under my October 30th post.
In response to “I Hate the Devil and I Hate Russians”, Rodolpho said:
“I gave up on the whole idea of having kids”
Debbie responded with:
“I’m also an agnostic mom, but I never really felt conflicted about how I would raise my son.”
I would like to understand the roots of both of these views.
I definitely felt conflicted, but not to the extent that I would decide against raising a family. On the other hand, I cannot imagine having the confidence that Debbie has. I appreciate both of you sharing thoughts on my blog. I invite you to elaborate on the comments I quoted.
I mentioned before a lack of mentors. I have another reason for my own trepidation. I attribute much of my wonderful life to my religious upbringing. I did not drink as a teenager or a college student. I have never done a drug. I chose abstinence until marriage, and married a man who did likewise.
My husband and I have a great relationship. Mainly, it is because of our personalities, and the choices we make now. But if I had made more risky choices when I was young, I may not have gotten the great guy that I got. I may have, instead, born the baby of some immature kid. Who knows?
When I talk with other moms, and they tell me about their younger years, and all the crazy things they did, it scares me! What if my kids do the same things? I wonder if they would be less likely get into trouble if we were religious.
But then, these same friends turned out great. Maybe I worry too much.
And then, of course, my thoughts go to the people who don’t turn out so hot.
I live on the hope that logical reasons will be enough to encourage my children to be responsible and live well.
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November 22nd, 2005 @ 2:23 am
My lack of faith in modern religions is the main reason I choose not to have children. I admit there are other factors but religion was the biggie. Some of my earliest childhood memories growing up in the Philippines was going to church with my family. It was just something they told me we all had to do. But even at such an early age I always asked myself why? Seriously why do we have to go? But I kept those questions to myself. I was scared to go to Hell for crying out loud. Honestly I just didn’t like getting lectured about it.
My family and I immigrated to Guam when I was 6. I was kinda disappointed when I stepped out of the airport. NO SNOW!!! But the air was clean and the skies were blue. More importantly I had the opportunity to live the American Dream. I loved it!
When I was in junior high my best friend Jeff started teaching me how to play the guitar. We were going to start out own band and live the rock n roll lifestyle. One day I heard this band Nirvana. I was hooked. The stuff you read about Kurt Cobain’s music “touching a nerve” with it’s listeners. Well all that was true for me. About a week after I was exposed to Nirvana I turned to the People/Lifestyle section of my local newspaper and there was Kurt….suicide. My jaw dropped. I was speechless. The only other memory that I could remember that involved death was my grandfather’s funeral three years earlier. But my grandfather was old. He fathered over 12 children and close to 30 grandchildren. Most of his pictures were in black and white. He was old!! Kurt on the other hand was 27 and had one baby. I couldn’t believe it. One week was all it took for Kurt Cobain to become my idol. And just like that he was gone.
That’s when I started examining death (and life) a lot more closely again. It was a very difficult time for me. My immediate family was also going through a crisis at around the same time so that didn’t help. I was bitter. I stopped going to church. My mom didn’t understand why but thankfully in the end she still supported me. And she always did. I remember Newsweek putting a picture of Kurt’s face on its front cover. I’ll always remember that picture. His face reminded me of this one guy I read about in bible school…..what was his name again? Oh yea…..Jesus. Of course he wasn’t. Kurt can’t look like Jesus because Jesus didn’t have blond hair. So wait….was Jesus white or black? Or was he Arab?” Okay maybe those were silly questions. But I couldn’t answer them without doing my own research. And even to this day I still don’t have all the answers that I want. And I had other questions like why am I so “blessed” and some people “unlucky?” I couldn’t buy the idea of a God being all powerful and all knowing. If that were true then who died and made God king?
I had another good friend named Alex that left Guam and moved to the States during our Sophomore year in high school. We kept in touch by phone and email. I remember one phone conversation we had about religion and he stated that in about 300 years Christianity will be replaced by a completely new religion. Then we talked a little bit about Hell. He asked how could any parent that gave their children unconditional love throughout their lives on Earth suddenly turn their back on them if they go to Hell? I didn’t argue because it made a lot of sense to me. I don’t care who I have to fight in the afterlife but there’s no way I’m going to spend my life in eternal paradise if I knew my children were suffering in Hell. There’s just no way. So there’s my conflict. It was almost a 50/50 chance that a person would either go to Hell or go to Heaven.
Some people might say well of course your kids will turn out evil if you don’t practice your faith’s teachings. Maybe so. But look at Bush and Bin Laden. Two of the most important figures in modern history representing the top two religions of the world. They believe that God is on their side and they’re willing to put other people in harm’s way to prove the other guy is wrong. They make their decisions based on their faith in God. I would be so disappointed as a parent to have raised children that make decisions based on faith in God. Or worse yet make decisions without really knowing why.
I’m not going to argue the Iraq war but those two knuckleheads and their respective religions have been center stage in the world for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. It’s only a matter of TIME before the truth comes out. Chances are not in my lifetime.
But the concept of raising children agnostic is entirely new to me. Noelle is the first person I know that’s doing it and not doing it half-heartedly. I commend you.
I’m finally back in school. It took a while but just like every decision I make I had to make sure it was the right one. But yea I’m stoked about it. It was worth the wait because now I’m learning about something I’m passionate about. I actually feel like a little kid again. And who knows I might just have a classmate that not only shares my passions but also shares my ideas on religion.
November 23rd, 2005 @ 6:45 am
Noell,
In the 6 or 7 years that I’ve known you and Israel, I can honestly say that I don’t see much of a difference in the way you raise your children. I have been blown away by the time and effort you put into teaching them–and that hasn’t changed.
It’s interesting to note that I met you both in church. You stood out as exceptional people with a desire to be involved in your church community. You didn’t just sit back like most people would have, comfortably waiting until you were noticed and asked to help in some capacity. You became actively engaged and pursued responsibility. That hasn’t changed either.
I truly believe that lack of religion has not hindered your ability to raise healthy, happy children. Even though they are young and you are still in the throws of it, they are obviously bright and are being raised in an open learning environment.
In my opinion, you are doing exactly what is necessary for their well being. You are teaching them that it’s okay to not have all the answers but it’s still exciting to pursue the possibilities. You are teaching them to make decisions for themselves, to understand the reasons behind those decisions and how those decisions affect others. You are teaching them to be truthful, kind and loving, and that they should respect other people’s opinions even if they differ from their own.
Bravo to you my friend! If everyone went about raising a family the way you do, society as a whole would benifit
November 23rd, 2005 @ 8:00 pm
Rodolpho- Thank you for being so open, and sharing so much. Thank you for igniting an influx of comments from my other readers! I want dialogue to be a major part of this blog.
I have a lot of the same issues that you have with the ideas of God and hell.
I don’t know if you saw, but I responded to your comment on my entry about food. Go check it out.
I’m wondering if you have studied secular humanism? I will be blogging on humanist philosophy some time in the future.
November 23rd, 2005 @ 8:13 pm
Hi Tami!!! After basking in all that glory you showered over me, I now have to ground myself and respond! Those were some nice compliments. Thank you!
Even though you summed up what you see Israel and I doing to raise our children (in the second to the last paragraph), I love how you put it into words. It’s a good guideline for the goals to work toward to bring up healthy children. I’ll be referring to that in the future.
And BTW, we’ve known eachother for eight and a half years!!!!!!!
November 30th, 2005 @ 9:07 pm
Noell,
I wonder, at what age did you start talking with your kids about religion? When did they start asking? With out the basic’s, how do you start to explain to a child?
November 30th, 2005 @ 9:38 pm
Great questions, Christy. This deserves its own entry, so I hope you don’t mind waiting while I work on this in a future post.