What’s Missing Is A System
After reading the books I cited for Civil Rights Day to the kids, my 8-year-old son, Blake asked, “How come all the heroes are black?”
Silence filled the space that my loss for words left. I stared at Blake for a minute. What other heroes have I introduced to him? Rosa Parks died not long ago, and we discussed her. Black again. I searched my brain files for any other heroes I must have introduced to him.
A-ha! Benjamin Franklin! We have a video about Benjamin Franklin learning how to harness electricity. In the movie, Franklin had to battle a religious fundamentalist who was trying to impede his research. It took much perseverance and faith in himself to finally prevail. Blake loved that video.
“Well, they’re not all black, honey. Benjamin Franklin was a hero, and he wasn’t black.” It was a step in the right direction, but clearly I had failed to provide my son with more than three or four examples of excellent human beings.
Growing up, the hero of my childhood was Nephi from the Book of Mormon. Nephi was a perfect person, with the exception of one tiny flaw. Nephi’s one sin was that he sometimes felt anger toward his wicked brothers who were trying to kill him. No wonder I have overwhelming and unrealistic expectations for myself: the biggest childhood hero of my life was AT LEAST as perfect as Jesus.
When I had kids, and especially when I left my church and all of its out-of-this-world heroes, I vowed I would expose my children to the world’s many great real heroes. I am now facing the reality that I haven’t done so well.
Yesterday, as I analyzed, and over-analyzed, the situation, I realized what is missing. I realized one of the reasons we, as agnostic parents, are feeling such a great need for a guiding source. We are missing a system for imparting our values to our children, that religious families normally get from their church.
The Mormon Church is the master of systems for teaching children. This is why the community is so tight, their familes are so strong, and such a large percentage of them actually make it to marriage in pure and complete innocence!
Let me show you how structured the Mormon community is in regard to teaching their young:
- Weekly church and Sunday School lessons
- Weekly Monday night Family Home Evenings (lessons)
- Daily family prayer and scripture reading
- Monthly visits from Home Teachers (each family is assigned two men who come to the home to give a lesson.)
- Weekly activities for teens, monthly activities for the children
- Monthly children’s magazine with lessons, stories, and learning activities
- Multiple free handbooks for family lesson plans on various moral and doctrinal topics
It was SO EASY to be a Mormon parent. The church put material directly into our hands. Agnostic and athiest parents have to conceive our own system for providing “lessons” to our children. Even more difficult, we have to do our own research to find the material. No one is giving us free handbooks with activities to demonstrate our values, arranged in formats that appeal to children of all ages.
I actually have been developing a system of timing. I’ve been using holidays as a sort of schedule to trigger ideas.
Some examples of holiday-triggered values:
- New Year- goals, ambition, ability to change and improve
- Civil Rights Day- courage, accepting others, forgiveness
- Easter- nature, spiritual rebirth
- Independence Day- patriotism, democracy, liberty and freedom
- 9/11- awareness and gratitude of our local firefighters and police officers and their families, community
I think the holidays, regular reading time, play groups, and other day-to-day experiences provide an adequate scheduling system to cover all the important things we want to share with our children. The difficulty is coming up with the tools for sharing the ideas, such as activities and books. That is the part that requires so much research when you don’t have a handbook given to you from church.
Civil Rights Day was so easy, because the school recommended books. The other holidays will require much more research. And since many of those other holidays also demand planning for giant feasts, extra shopping, and other activities, that just doesn’t leave as much time for educational research, does it?
I am going to continue what I started this month, which is to share my ideas and resources for educational and values-sharing activities and books for our children. They will mostly happen around the holidays, but I will add some other topics in here and there. I hope some of you will share your ideas as well.
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January 20th, 2006 @ 7:59 am
You’ve forgotten my personal favorite: Visiting Teaching (2 assigned women coming to visit the lady-of-the-house whether she wants them to or not).
There is also Seminary & Institute. Seminary is release time for high school students and Institute is for college students. Both are designed to provide an hour of daily instruction in whatever the church has decided to teach that year. (more lessons).
In any case, as you mentioned, the plan is all very well laid out for parents or children to learn about what God wants and requires from his children.
January 20th, 2006 @ 8:23 am
Noell,
I never realized that it would be so difficult to teach children such values. I would have just assumed that children would inherently know these things or something. I’m going to desperately need your advice when I have kids!
You know my hero was always my brother and now my mother. I never had a famous hero growing up. Though I had a crush on Captain Moroni.. =) I think children learn best from examples/imitation.
-Sadie
January 20th, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
There is a growing trend toward personalizing nondenominational ritual - UTNE magazine devoted an issue to it about a year back, and there are increasingly popular alternatives to baptism and church weddings.
Here is a great book on daily household ritual, designed to be a starting place for personalization - its called Seven Times The Sun:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0967571308/qid=1137791124/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-1463410-1655014?n=507846&s=books&v=glance
This is also a good resource for making the most of the holidays and their trans-religious origins - its loaded with stories, crafts, recipes and more - called Festivals Family and Food-
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/095070623X/qid=1137791547/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-1463410-1655014?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
Have you looked into the Waldorf School for your kids - their format is also increasingly popular for homeschooling - it seems relevant to this line of discussion - you can visit here:
http://www.awsna.org/
hope these are helpful!
R
January 20th, 2006 @ 2:25 pm
Well it’s nice to see how the other side lives. I found your blog through Izzy Video and must say it is very thoughtful. I hope it’s okay if I check in from time to time even if I don’t share your worldview.
I’m sorry to hear that you were raised in such an oppressive religious system, but I hope you will continue your search for the right balance and ultimately find peace and happiness.
Your kids seems happy enough in the videos,
Ross
January 20th, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
Good heavens! What a hotbed of former Mormonism!
Heroes: Franklin has always been one of mine — don’t forget that silly (but educational) animated feature, “Ben and Me.” There is nothing about the stories of Ben Franklin that is not inspirational. His pursuit of knowledge, his pursuit of virtue, his pursuit of egalitarianism, even his straightforward pursuit of sex (and acknowledgement of his illegitimate son). His practical jokes.
But there is also Jefferson (Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, 220 years old last Monday), and Madison (birthday March 16), and to my amazement, Washington. There is Hamilton. There is Adams.
There is Theodore Roosevelt — America’s first Nobel Peace Prize winner, only Medal of Honor winner to win the White House. Led the Cavalry up San Juan Hill — without their horses. One might complain of his actions upon the abrupt deaths one day of his wife and mother, as he seems to have spent a couple of years away from his child; but the stories from the Dakotas are so inspiring, too.
There is Richard Feynman. I started reading his memoirs to our kids when they were in 6th grade. Great stuff.
There is Lincoln, there is John Wesley Powell, there are Lewis and Clark; there is Nathanial Bowditch (great for 4th and 5th grade). There is Darwin (born the exact same day as Lincoln); there are the Curies, and Einstein. There is Robert Dick. There is George Gamow. There are the suffrage campaigners, Stanton and others. There are the muckrakers. There is Franklin Roosevelt, and Harry Truman. There is LBJ.
There is Ernst Mayr, Paul Robeson, Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, Harry Houdini; there is Eleanor Roosevelt, there is Mark Twain, there is Thurgood Marshall (you know of the connection between Twain and Marshall, yes?). There is Oliver Brown. There is Emmett Till’s mother.
Oh, my heavens! There are so many heroes for kids!
Ethics and/or Spirituality: If you’re truly agnostic, and you can stomach the belief clause in the Boy Scout Leaders’ application, I encourage you to join. Scouting was my spiritual anchor for years, back in the days when Unitarians were not viewed with suspicion. Heck, find yourself a sensei, and claim to be Buddhist. Nature, outdoors, good human skills, conservation, ethical behavior — Scouting offers a lot. If you have girls, you have Girl Scouts in any case. My wife and our youngest son did about 70 miles at the Philmont National Scout Ranch last summer (I was there - um — a few years earlier). Great bonding occurs when the hail is deadly at 11,000 feet. True summit experiences.
Scouting makes you nervous? (GET OVER IT!) Go to the outdoors anyway. There’s a National Park or National Monument within a day’s drive. Go. See. Camp out. Learn. Be more.
January 23rd, 2006 @ 10:04 pm
[...] ED and Ron! Wow, was that a load of ideas you gave us! Ed Darrell made a huge list of his heroes. Ron left some links that he said has some great tips. I’m excited to go check them out. It’s time I get organized. I’m going to print the lists and refer to them for ideas. Thank you for making my job easier, Ed and Ron. [...]
March 11th, 2006 @ 9:19 pm
Starhawk’s book for kids, Circle Round, offers myths, crafts, recipies, and more for all of the seasonal holidays (holy days.) Easter, (Ostara), Halloween (Samhain,) etc. The general idea is about celebrating our connection with the divine in ourselves, others, and the universe through the seasonal cycles. Cool stuff.
March 13th, 2006 @ 9:31 pm
[...] Ever since my post, What’s Missing Is A System, I’ve been brainstorming and collecting ideas on a lesson and activity book for non-religious families. I recruited AgnosticMom reader, Ron, to join me on the project since he is a professional artist. He has great ideas, too. As it turns out, another reader, Gregg100 has been following the same line of thinking. Perhaps it isn’t such an original idea, considering there is an obvious need. [...]
June 29th, 2006 @ 3:02 pm
The part I find most interesting in this discussion is that here in the year 2006, we are still looking at people based upon their heritage, not upon their accomplishments. Who gives a rat’s ass what color or race or origin someone comes from? What matters is what they do with what they have.
Yesterday I went with a co-worker to trade cars with his son-in-law. Once the trade had been completed, he apologized over not having warned me in advance that the guy was black. SO WHAT! I don’t care what color the guy is. He seemed like a very nice young man to me. So why is it that it continues to come up? I never make it an issue to “warn people” that my wife is mixed from another culture. If they ask, I tell them. No biggie.
So why does the very culture that cries the loudest about stereotypes and prejudices, continue to promote its existence? I have heard statistics that in another ten years or so the U.S. will be predominantly Hispanic. We better get used to it. I’m talking about groups like the NAACP. I heard a radio ad for the United Negro College Fund and it got my dander up. But it could have been any special interest group, trying to make bank on the “poor pity me” theory. As long as those groups point out what they see as a difference between their group and some other “majority” population, the gaps they pretend to want to erase will continue to exist. So what is the motivation for these special interest groups? I presume it all boils down to money in the end, maybe some prestige.
I remember a song from the 60’s about Abraham, Martin, Bobby, and John. “Has anybody here seen my old friend ….” When we think about civil rights, there are plenty of heroes to include. I think some of those heroes even include the many Military forces from civil war times as well as during the turbulent 60’s who fought in the streets to control a society torn from its belief system and faced with seeing and embracing a new reality. It included students from Kent State who stood up for things they believed in and died because of it. But most of all it is about a system, a society, that was created in the mid-1700’s that ensures basic rights and freedoms to every man woman and child. Two hundred fifty years later we are still trying to understand what that means, but each new generation makes progress. As in the story of Moses, sometimes it may be necessary for the previous generation to die off in order for the new beliefs and understandings to take a firm position.
If a child is taught to be color blind, they will grow up understanding that any man, woman or child is just as unique, special, and important as any other human being. Genetics can play a role in our abilities, whether that is mental, emotional, or physical, but it does not impede our ability to individually reach our highest potential, that job is generally left to the small thinking minds of misguided individuals. Teaching self esteem and allowing a child to experience both success and failure will give the child the ability to learn to reason, thereby making their own decisions about life, and heroes possible.