Scared Of The Dark
Lately my two-year-old has struggled to go to sleep at night. He sleeps in his own bed, but I often (rather, almost always) lay down with him for five or ten minutes until he falls asleep. Recently his pleas to have me stay with him have seemed more out of desperation than from a typical two-year-old’s longing for Mommy. That look in his eyes told me he was scared. I wasn’t sure though, and I didn’t want to put a new idea in his impressionable mind.
This particular night, his fear was evident on his face, but he wouldn’t say it in words when I asked him, “What’s wrong?” I finally put it out there, “Are you scared?”
Aiden’s eyes got bigger. “Yes! I scared.” I must have provided the word to match what he felt inside. It was a word he was familiar with, but not enough to conceive on his own.
“What are you scared of?”
“Monster . . . ”
Aiden was still navigating his limited vocabulary when he explained, “Monster playing Peek-a-boo.”
I went through the usual scared-of-the-dark remedies with Aiden. I handed him my spare shirt, which he keeps in his bed to snuggle with. I turned the light on so he could look in the closet and the cubbies. I pointed out the fact that his big brother was in the room to protect him. I explained that monsters don’t exist, and this didn’t work either. If there are monsters in the cartoons, then there are monsters in the house.
I resorted to imagination next, but the “Magical Protective Bubble” that helped my two oldest children did nothing for Aiden. I reached deep down to pull out my best dramatic skills to make a convincing bubble. Aiden wasn’t even looking. Instead he was grasping at my arms and using his eyes to plead with me.
What to do next? I remembered how my dad helped me after a series of horrifying nightmares when I was a kid. Dad told me that God answers prayers, including a prayer to stop bad dreams and fears of the dark.
So I prayed, and it actually worked. My confidence in my imaginary god was just what I needed to calm my own fears.
Was that my next option? I was not about to introduce prayer to my youngest child, the only one who didn’t begin his first years in religious indoctrination. Imaginary Magical Protective Bubbles? Yes. People outgrow beliefs of that sort. Most people do not outgrow Imaginary Magical Protective Gods.
So I crawled into Aiden’s bed and spent a short five minutes or so with my very real, but Magical Protective Arms wrapped all around him until he fell into a calm and deep sleep.
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March 19th, 2006 @ 10:10 pm
Your arms are real. They have warmth. They have strength. They serve as a palpable assurance that no “imaginary” bubble or gods can provide. My wife and I used to come up with all manner of goofy inventions in an effort to quiet or reassure our boys when they were agitated or frightened. Early in the game, some of them, I suppose, worked. But kids catch on quick. Generally, just as in your experience, the only thing that works, and continues to work is being there, talking, story telling, singing and holding. At times I felt that what they REALLY wanted was simply our undivided attention. What you have to do is give it.
TLS
March 20th, 2006 @ 1:17 pm
Big brother may be agitating a little
March 21st, 2006 @ 5:47 am
Awww… Poor kid! I think that we’ve had that a couple of nights here, but I’m not quite sure. We have been told a few times that there was a bird in the bedroom. That was strange…
I think you did a good job. Sometimes mommy right next to them for a couple of minutes is all they need.
March 21st, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
Without question, it’s the parent’s calming influence that provides the effect, and difficult as it may be for you to handle just now, it’s your presence that’s making the difference.
Infant phobias can be short lived or extended, and no child’s experience is the same as another’s. Patience is your power.
Kudos for not resorting to lying to Aiden and proposing imaginary gods to protect against imaginary monsters. The truth is always your best bet.
Enjoying your column very much in Humanist Network News. Keep it up.
Live for today, work for peace,
Forrest R. Prince (Humanist Celebrant)
March 21st, 2006 @ 8:33 pm
Oh, neat story indeed Mom. Our experience is different here. We’ve done a semi-attached parenting routine, and I attribute that my son (6 now) has not ever complained of nightmares (or night terrors I guess is the term now) to the fact that first he slep with us (two beds side by side), later one of us with him in his own bed, and now we just stay with him until he falls asleep. We’ve always provided all sorts of guided reassuring meditations/visualizations as part of the nightime routine. I think our presence has been central in his confidence, but we’ve also worried about him feeling independent and being able to do this on his own — so we also started quite a ways back to let go, to pull back, and allow him gently to feel more confident. He does say he is afraid of the dark, and I just reassure him by saying that most humans are, and we talk about how there is nothing to be afraid of in the room and the house… now we need to just let him go to sleep on his own completely, by us not guiding him as much. I want him to be able to do those things on his own!
A friend of mine placed a flashlight by his son’s bed so that when he woke up with a night terror he could light up the flashlight as a “light saber.” : )
Thanks for this story. : )
March 21st, 2006 @ 9:08 pm
Just out of curiosity, what happens when Dad puts him to bed?
March 21st, 2006 @ 9:47 pm
Gregg–Aiden’s a mama’s boy. If Israel tried to put him to bed with me home, he wouldn’t have it. That boy can scream.
But as far as I know, when I am not home, he seems to go to bed fine. I’ve never had a complaint from a babysitter, but I have also never asked directly. Israel says he has no problem putting Aiden to bed alone when I am gone.
Really, it’s all about him wanting me when he knows he can have me. He’s my last and I’ve definitely spoiled him that way. Most times I lay down with him because I want to. So he’s used to that. The “scared-of-the-dark” bit is a little new, though.
March 22nd, 2006 @ 2:06 pm
Although I am against using prayer/ “Magical God” as a solution, I don’t quite see what the difference is between telling a child that and that there is a “Magical protective bubble”..either way it is fictional and if they can discern one they should be able to discern the other especially with how impressionable they are at that age. Just my thought. I wouldn’t know.
Everytime I got scared my mom taught me to sing a happy song and think of all the happy things in life. It worked wonderfully. It distracted me from my fear and eased me back to sleep with a smile.
March 22nd, 2006 @ 2:57 pm
Hey, Sadie! I think the non-religious camp is split on this issue. Do we tell our kids there is a Santa but no Jesus? Do we tell our kids that there are magical bubbles but no angels?
It is a subject we’ll continue to discuss, especially as the Easter Bunny approaches next month. I don’t claim to have the “right” answer. I don’t actually think there is a right answer, although I think the personality of the child has something to do with it. I’ll save that topic for a future Easter post, though.
It is my opinion that there is a clear difference between using a pretend “magical bubble” and teaching a child to pray to a non-existent god. The difference is that only children believe in the Bubble Fantasy. There are no sane adults in our culture who preach the Bubble’s truthfulness. Magic bubbles also don’t manipulate you to behave certain ways in order to avoid punishment.
On the other hand, most everyone around us is sure there is a god. And the beliefs about that god DO manipulate.
I am 100% positive that my children will grow out of their belief in the reality of my bubbles. The god question is still up in the air.
I like the idea of thinking about happy thoughts, though. I have done that with the kids also. I usually tell them to think about being with Nana (Sadie’s mom).
March 22nd, 2006 @ 11:44 pm
Interesting post! When I was young I saw The Exorcist. I was about the same age as the little girl in the movie and for months after that I had to recite the Lord’s Prayer ad infinitum until I fell asleep. I was petrified of being posessed by the devil.
I wonder if my fear would have been so strong if I hadn’t been raised Catholic? Or if I hadn’t been raised Catholic, how would I have pacified myself in order to go to sleep? At that age, I was too big to sleep with my grandma…
Noell, sometimes you bring up topics that I would never think about! They’re great!
March 23rd, 2006 @ 7:25 am
Thanks, Mary! I bet being Catholic brought it a little closer to home because you identified more with the entire story. But I think the movie could still terrify any person with a belief in spiritual possession and the presence of evil spirits.
I never saw that movie because I had a horrible fear of evil spirits since I first learned about possession as a kid. Mormons believe that humans are outnumbered by evil spirits in an unthinkable amount. They believe that the number of evil spirits present on earth is equal to one third of the total number of humans that ever have and ever will live on the earth.
They taught us that these spirits especially seek out the “righteous” (of course, that was me), so good Mormons had an unusually high number of spirits surrounding them. Even into my adulthood this belief haunted me because as a missionary they told us that we were their biggest target. I thought that if they couldn’t tempt me to sin, they would taunt me and make me think I was going crazy by my being aware of their presence.
It is embaressing to reveal this about myself, but it highlights the danger of religion. Once I stopped believing in religion, I stopped believing there were evil spirits following me, and I have been “sane” and free of that type of fear ever since.
September 13th, 2006 @ 7:54 pm
So all your hope when you die is a box and a black hole. Nice….
May 29th, 2007 @ 3:27 am
i liked that but im trying to look for somthing that can help me not get scared from the devil and horra movies and staying home alone please send something that could help on my email up there
January 15th, 2008 @ 7:26 pm
Being scared without reason is as much a part of childhood as being happy without reason. The way you handle it can set a child up for a strong foundation of handling other problems he or she encounters in their lives. Removing prayer from a child’s life - or worse yet - not introducing it for them to make their own choice at a later time - is setting them up for a lifetime of trying to fill a void in their hearts with your imaginary ‘bubbles’. This void is put there intentionally by a God that made us all and loves us all, you, your children, and the rest of the world included. That void is placed there for you to find Him and use His love to fill it. Only then, will your life be complete. I can’t imagine not giving my children an opportunity to know the Savior, my Christ, who gave his life for ours to be spared. How much more will hell hurt you if your realize that you were wrong and have raised your children to believe the same way you believe? If I’m wrong, so be it. My beliefs are based on foundations of morality, others first, obeying the commandments, and generally trying to do what I think Jesus would do. When I die, if my ‘religion’ that I’ve passed onto my children for their choice is in vain, at least I know that I’ve passed on the chance for them to make a positive difference in others’ lives. If I might make a suggestion, that peaceful feeling that you felt as a child was truly God’s arms wrapping around you and comforting you just as you are doing for your child. You ARE a child of God. I pray that you will come to terms with this and open your heart, accept Him, and begin serving Him before it’s too late. I will pray for you and your buddies that post on this site. If you have additional questions about what it means to be a true Christian, the website - http://www.billygraham.org/SH_HowToBecomeAChristian.asp - is a great resource. In His love, C. Kelley