I tell my kids that they do continue, not only in the life matter and lineage cycle, but as part of the world/universe per se. “The world produced life and us along with it. We are not separate from it. Like a drop of water taken from the ocean and returned, when we die we return to the world. There is no place else to go (the world is a materially closed system) whatever we are has been and always will be a part of it.”

If you asked either them what happens when they die, they will tell you, “We go back to the world.”

This raises an interesting philosphical/scientific question as to whether consciousness is a fundamental emergent quality of the universe. If so, even consciousness - human or otherwise - is a quality of world, like life, that is extended in us. It may sound a bit pantheist (pantheists don’t believe in personal immortality either), but this is the personal philosophy I share with my kids. Just as we are the life of the world, we are also the mind and feelings of the world. We are literally the world and whether we are alive in it or die in it, it remains.

Does that make sense?

Jen

I told my children that when we die our brains stop working. It’s like the brain shuts off. When Trinity (age 6 and very sensitive) expressed a little sadness at the idea of an animal dying, I engaged her and Blake in a brief discussion about whether we can feel sadness and pain if our brain shuts off. Blake and Trinity concluded that, no, you couldn’t feel sad, or anything else, if your brain stopped.

So then, just to cement it in their minds, I summarized for them that when you are dead you cannot and will not feel sad or hurt. You don’t feel anything. That’s why we focus on the life we have right now, when we CAN feel things.

Trinity seemed really pleased at the idea of not feeling anything, including not being sad. But then, she is past the phase when she was much more concerned about death. I don’t know if this is adequate for a 4-year old child more gripped in fear. I’d love it if you started with that (if you haven’t already) and then reported back on the results.

Here is another idea of an event that happened spontaneously for us, and perhaps you can find a way to manufacture a similar event for your kids: we found a dead butterfly. The butterfly was still whole and beautiful. But it was obvious that it was dead. I let Aiden and Trinity hold the butterfly, examine it, and talk about it freely.

We talked about the wonderful life the butterfly had. We talked about what it means that it is now dead (this was after the discussion in the above paragraph). It was a chance for the kids to come face-to-face with the idea of death in a safe environment. I think that by giving them that real experience, they have an association of death that is peaceful and appreciative of life.

Until the last few months I have been hiding from the topic of death and I was letting Trinity talk about being with Jesus at death. Now that I have finally been dealing with the subject, I feel really good about it. And I think the more we can face it and address it with the kids, the healthier will be their idea of it.

Even though I was avoiding (until recently) the facts about death before, I did allow myself to talk to the kids about others dying when it came up. They need to see us deal with the death of another person. When they hear about a child dying or a soldier dying in the news, I focus the conversation about that person’s life before they died.

In my opinion, for those of us who don’t believe in an afterlife, death is really about life. It is the conclusion of what was hopefully a fullfilling life. Death makes life meaningful. So we talk about the sadness that we feel when a person leaves us. We talk about the love we had for that person. We talk about the joy they gave us (they made us laugh, they made us think, etc.) and we talk about they joy they had while they were here.

I have heard of a book or two about secularist parents talking to children about death. I’d like to find out what those books are, or read others articles about it. If I come across some I will share them. Feel free to let us know in a comment if you find something as well.

I also had a question for you unrelated to this topic. How have you dealt with the subject of death with your kids? I have already dealt with the subject with my son and he was fine with my explanation. Now, my daughter (4) has been asking questions and keeps saying she’s afraid to die. I want to comfort her, but I do not want to resort to the concept of heaven. Do you have any ideas?