Leaving The Church
This entry is a Part One response to the following comment and request:
Hi, I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and I really enjoy it. I have a problem and I’m hoping you can share a few words of wisdom. I was also raised LDS. My heart left the church a while ago but my body is still very active. I’m curious as to how you made the transition. I have a very LDS husband and extended family as well as about 90% of my friends. I’m having a hard time letting go and even imagining my life after. I think only someone who has been there can understand. Care to share your story?
While I don’t make recommendations or give advice about whether a person should leave their religion, I am happy to share my story.
My entire life, until I was a mother, I had no doubts that I was a member of the one and only true church of Jesus Christ, the Mormon Church. At the age of 14 I had sought a testimony, which is a spiritual witness from God that something is true. When you seek after experiences of that nature, it’s not hard to create them. I had many of what Mormons call “spiritual experiences” on a regular basis throughout my life. I was a spirit-addict.
I obsessed on religion more than I obsess on my agnostic blog now. I studied scripture daily for thirty minutes minimum. Often I spent hours on my bed referencing and cross-referencing topics in the Book of Mormon, Bible, and other LDS scripture. At the age of twenty-one I fulfilled my seven-year-long dream and became a full-time missionary. For one-and-a-half years I lived in the incredible Philippines as a missionary with no vacations and only two phone calls to home per year. With my companions I walked long distances from 9am to 9pm visiting people and sharing the gospel. I spoke a language with words like “pananampalataya” (faith) and ate all kinds of foods. Most delicious, but some scary.
I woke up one night with a large rat I had dreamed was a puppy, I crossed swinging makeshift bridges, I washed clothes by hand, and taught people about the Mormon religion all day.
I returned to American life a more experienced, wiser, and spiritual twenty-two year old. Within days I was back to school (BYU, the private Mormon University) and immediately became a teacher at the Missionary Training Center as well as the president of the woman’s organization in my congregation (Relief Society). I went to the temple every single week (in addition to weekly church meetings).
You could say I was over the edge with religion and spirituality.
I never watched t.v. at that time.
And I sold my favorite album, Tori Amos Little Earthquakes, because I didn’t feel it was good for my spirit.
That is the picture of Noell just eleven years ago. Surprisingly, when I met Israel he thought I was sane enough to marry.
Israel liked the practicality of religion, but not so much the mystical aspects. Okay, now I know some of you are raising your eyebrows at the two words, “practicality” and “religion.” That was the perspective of a religious person.
We struggled with communication when religion came up because Israel was just interested in living his life and didn’t want to think too hard about the doctrine. I wanted to immerse myself in the doctrine and linger on it moment after moment. So yes, while our relationship was good, there was some tension about religion.
When my oldest child was a baby I had my first ever experience of doubt. DOUBT!!!! This was all new to me. It came from the New Testament and it was pointing at the Mormon Church specifically, not Christianity. I was scared and ashamed. What would people think of me if they knew?
I couldn’t tell anyone, including Israel. Even though he was on a different plane than I was with religion, I worried he might think less of me for actually having a doubt. I grew up with the idea that the “elect” of God recognize and know truth at once, while the not-so elect had to work harder at it. I was one of the elect. Or so I thought.
I shut that Bible up, decided not to read it anymore. I buried the memory of my doubt away and continued on with my life.
Later I became a Relief Society President for the second time. Experiences regarding that responsibility brought more questions to my mind. This time I let myself think about them for at least a few days. I wondered if God was actually inspiring any of us leaders in The Church. I even wondered if President Hinckley was actually a prophet in the same sense that Joseph Smith was supposed to have been.
But I continued to move forward and all was well into my next responsibility as president of the children’s organization (Primary).
I had moved on from previous moments of doubting. Everything was good.
And then I got a phone call from my husband, Israel, who was on his way home from work. He prepped me for a few minutes to receive almost the worst possible news: he told me that he did not believe The Church was true.
Despite what you might think, this did not knock me down. Israel promised to spend two weeks reading scriptures and praying before making a final decision. I “knew” that as long as someone tried to get an answer by praying, they would get it. So I wasn’t really all that worried. Things were going to return to normal.
Part 2 to come . . .
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June 6th, 2006 @ 1:03 pm
I love deconversion stories. Can’t wait for the second part, so I read some of our old email exchanges to pass the time. Good times.
June 6th, 2006 @ 3:45 pm
Our religious backgrounds sound somewhat similar. I wasn’t mormon, but was a born-again protestant (Methodist). I didn’t have anything happen to me that was an a-ha moment, but rather I just realized quietly one day that if I was to be truthful with myself (and I value honesty over just about every trait) then I had to admit that the concept of a god did NOT jive with my soul.
I’m looking forward to the rest of your post. Interesting…
Jen
June 6th, 2006 @ 3:50 pm
Oops, sorry. I screwed up (dunce). My link was supposed to be this.
(If that didn’t work, I’m giving up.)
June 7th, 2006 @ 4:05 am
My dad is a believer (not in organized religion) so as a child I desperately wanted to believe too. But as I got to about 13-14 I found it harder and harder to believe the stuff he believed until I just rejected completely.
He doesn’t have much patience for non-believers.
Good story. Thanks.
June 7th, 2006 @ 4:23 am
My parents raised us as Catholic, and to never lie.
One of ‘em was bound to give eventually.
June 7th, 2006 @ 6:04 am
I am enjoying reading your blog, It is well-written and you seem open about your interior experiences. Thank you.
“When my oldest child was a baby I had my first ever experience of doubt. DOUBT!!!! This was all new to me. It came from the New Testament and it was pointing at the Mormon Church…”
I’m interested in details, especially which passage in the NT. Thanks again.
June 7th, 2006 @ 6:45 am
Dan, I wish I could remember what it was I was reading. That was probably eight years ago and, like I said, I tried to erase it from my memory. I guess I was only able to erase the specifics!
Here is what I do remember: I was participating in an online New Testament study group of various Christian types. I’d read the New Testament before, but this time it was with the intention of proving the Mormon Church true.
I knew from what Joseph Smith said that there were inaccuracies in the Bible, so I was prepared to run into some of those. I became increasingly disturbed, though, at how many “inaccuracies” there were that contradicted LDS beliefs. I don’t think it was about one specific thing. It was the overall number of little tiny things that did not agree with the Mormon Church.
I had a sense that the Mormons were just doing their own thing and that the Joseph Smith declaration that the Bible was not translated currectly was easy justification for it.
June 7th, 2006 @ 10:33 am
Hi Noell,
Greetings from a fellow Arizona (Goodyear, but I have lived in Mesa before) atheist ex-mo! I just stumbled on your blog and I am happy that I found it. I have blogrolled you over at Unscrewing The Inscrutable.
We also visit Puerto Penasco whenever we can – love it down there.
Keep up the great writing!
June 7th, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
Peace in self is such a difficult process when using outside sources such as contradicting testaments.
So after dealing with such issues for years it’s curious that it seems after relaxing into yourself (after you stop pushing doctrine outward) and instead turned inward towards your expanding family you were able to find a deeper truth. (at least thats what I read between the lines, I could be very wrong in this)
The core issue I feel would be acceptance. Do you feel the point of DOUBT was when acceptance began shifting from some outside testament to acceptance of your own nature?
Or do you feel you never quite shifted yet within acceptance of your life?
Since you were have troubles remembering what you were reading, I don’t think that it was what you were reading that was the key in kicking the transformation, as much as developing deeper roots into yourself?
Does this sound about right? The reason I am asking, is I have been writing lot about acceptance in general and how we center ourselves, so I would value your insights in your own transformation.
Excellent post, I enjoyed and appreciated your time and hearing this story.
As a side note I just opened up a WIKI for people to write such stories or other creations of art : http://personaltao.wetpaint.com
to share with others, I would value yours or your readers contributions to this online WIKI community.
Peace
Casey
June 7th, 2006 @ 3:54 pm
Ooooh, I am eagerly awaiting part II. Another atheist Arizonan ex-Mormon (though I was RLDS) mama here.
June 7th, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
Loving your details.
Rat-Puppy must be a vivid memory
I’m eager for part two – - and I also feel a good subject to look at in conversion stories is just how REAL some of the past ‘craziness’ felt at the time, and how its better understood from a current vantage point.
It makes it easier to accept when people are ‘true-believers’ when you were there yourself at one point.
I took a car ride with Jesus Christ.
In my experience at the time – He was literally my copilot. We had a nice chat.
I s&!t you not.
I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown at the time (I was experiencing dire personal crisis) – I held onto the experience as some kind of proof that the supernatural was real – regardless of the fact that I had not slept in nearly 3 days.
I’ve had conversations with the dead in dreams. Always during times when such experiences are common – near that person’s death, or the anniversary of it.
I had multiple encounters with a ghost in a room where other people had the same thing (before me and after me) – - only to later learn how common different versions of night terrors are for students away from home for the first time.
It was real – all three of these things – just not real in the way my mind was interpreting it.
Sorry – I’m rambling (as usual).
I love this stuff.
June 8th, 2006 @ 7:24 am
Noell–love your blog; like everyone I am eagerly awaiting the second part of the story.
My family was Catholic when I was young, but we later left the Church and became Lutheran. Shortly before I became agnostic, I was the most devout person in my immediate family, encouraging everyone to go to church, praying several times a day, reading the Bible daily. Like you, it was reading the Bible that sparked my doubt. Over the course of several months I slowly realized that Christianity didn’t seem right to me. Praying was no longer uplifting, but a chore that I forced myself to do in hopes that I could recapture my faith. I got sick of talking to myself, and began to embrace being agnostic. I felt so light-hearted to finally be living without doubt. Since then, I truly enjoy hearing the stories of others who have left religion. I think that when Christian family and friends hear my story, they feel bad for me because I lost my faith, but in the end it is truly wonderful to not have the burden of religion.
The comic Julia Sweeney has a wonderful monologue about becoming atheist. I think it may have already been mentioned on this site(?) It’s a great story for anyone who’s interested. I will try to find a link to it and post it later, but for now, I must get back to work!
June 9th, 2006 @ 5:16 am
[...] Agnostic Mom Raising a Healthy Family Without Religion. « Leaving The Church [...]
June 10th, 2006 @ 4:57 am
Wow.
Your story really resonates with me, and I think I’m about ready to write down my own story. Leaving the Mormon faith has been a most enlightening experience for me and my family.
I too was a sister missionary and I prided myself on my faithfulness and obedience to the rules because it added to my “spirituality”. It was an important and enlightening experience for me and it’s actually where I started to have my first serious questions about the “global” nature of the gospel (I was in Portugal and Africa).
When I met my husband, I was the RS President of a singles ward and the only reason he attended church was to be with me. He accepted Mormonism for its practicality and for its importance to me, but he was elated (10 years later) when I admitted to him I had serious doubts. But I kept attending (though without my husband)for “the sake of my children”.
My daughter sounds a lot like Blake – thoughtful and logical. She asked me some very pointed questions that I couldn’t answer with the Mormon party line and from there I realized I couldn’t live something I was uncomfortable teaching my daughter. She was almost six when we stopped going to church once and for all.
So, if you haven’t yet abandoned this post out of boredom, I have a question for you: How do you reconcile being a former missionary with your present agnosticism?
June 19th, 2006 @ 6:57 am
[...] If you are new to this blog, please start with Part 1 and continue to Part 2. [...]
January 22nd, 2008 @ 7:27 pm
Few people can understand how different life is for a Mormon or say Jehovah’s Witness. Mainstream religions still function pretty normally in society. They don’t stand out. I am an x Jehovah’s Witness who escaped from the mind control group that fronts as a loving organization ready to help others. Who else but our two religions is known everywhere for our door to door ministry? Our dress codes? Our hair cuts and the like? You owe it to yourself to find out what’s on the “other side”. We have such a short stay here on earth. What a shame to throw it away slaving for a religion that teaches a separatist mindset. Us against them. The more they control your everyday life the less you live as the person you were meant to be. Believe me, if I did it you can do it too. My email is chris_ratley2010@yahoo.com. Feel free to write me for some website links you might find useful in breaking free. However, what you do after that has to FINALLY be YOUR decision. We all have that right to choose for ourselves. Stay strong and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to.
Recovering x witness
Chris Ratley