Leaving The Church Part 2
Click here for Part 1.
I am convinced that all religious people experience cognitive dissonance at multiple points in their lives. This is where a belief we regard as truth does not match up with the reality we are witnessing or experiencing. During the time that Israel contemplated the truthfulness of our religion, cognitive dissonance became the pesky telemarketer who failed to take my name off the calling list.
For two weeks I watched Israel read scriptures and search for an answer. And yet, after the two weeks were over, he was more sure than ever that he was not a believer.
I never imagined he wouldn’t get the answer he was supposed to. God had promised to answer prayers about the truthfulness of his church. It didn’t happen this time.
Cognitive Dissonance.
Now we had to decide what to do about Israel’s nonbelief. I was suddenly reeling at the idea of him not baptizing our children or attending their temple weddings. And what would it be like for the kids to grow up with one of those “inactive” dads?
If there was one thing religion taught me how to do, it was to use guilt to manipulate. I reminded Israel that despite what he believes now, I married him with the understanding that we were going to be a Mormon family. He couldn’t just walk away from that.
We agreed that he would continue to go to church. Meanwhile, the doubts that had crept into my heart years earlier began to bear their ugly teeth at me. The more I read from the scriptures, the more contradictions I saw. It’s not that the contradictions were new. It’s just that I had always told myself that God would someday explain it all to me. I compartmentalized every contradiction into its own individual hiding place in my brain, all to come rushing out at the same time when God didn’t answer Israel’s prayers.
Extreme Cognitive Dissonance.
I began my own effort to receive an answer from God that The Church was true. I didn’t realize at that time that it was too late. My paradigm had shifted. For the first time ever I had already peeked through Door #2, the door marked “It’s Not True!!!” Once you’ve looked through that door, going back is like trying to pretend that Santa is real once you know he’s not.
It would be a year before I was willing to give up, though.
Just a month or two into this life-changing phase, we moved to Scottsdale, Arizona to be closer to Israel’s job. We attended church the first Sunday. Israel came with us, as usual. Sitting in the chapel that day was a pivotal moment for me. Israel dislikes church hymns, but you would never know it for the zeal with which he sings them!
I kept looking from him to the bishopric on the stand. They were ecstatic at seeing a new family. A family of four. With a husband who loves the hymns! As soon as the meeting concluded the entire bishopric was at our seat, introducing themselves and sizing us up for new callings (volunteer positions).
At that moment I knew I shouldn’t have Israel going if he didn’t believe. On the way home I told him I preferred it if he stopped accompanying us to church.
For months I would become the mom who had “the courage” to bring her two little ones to church on her own.
Part 3 to come.
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June 9th, 2006 @ 6:24 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Paradigm shift describes it perfectly I think. I can’t wait for part 3!
June 9th, 2006 @ 8:03 am
I can never go to Church again (unless it’s someone’s wedding, funeral etc) because now that I don’t believe, it feels like lying.
In fact, it is lying, but worse than lying with words — it’s lying with actions.
This hasn’t really come up with the grandparents yet but I dread the day, because it could be ugly when I tell them I can’t go to church with them. Maybe if I tell them I’ll sit and meditate instead while they’re gone that will help…
It’s very interesting to see your thought process in these posts. I’m looking forward to part 3.
June 9th, 2006 @ 9:05 pm
Noell, I recently found your site and immediately added you to my blog reader.
First, you are a fellow Arizonan.
Second, your 2 (so far, looking forward to 3) posts on leaving the church intrigued me.
I am in a situation which is quite different from yours, but still somewhat related.
When my wife and I got together, I believed. I have never been a church-goer or bible reader, but I believed.
She believed, and was not a church-goer or (I don’t think) a bible reader. In the last few years however, with much pressure from her born-again mother, she has become very involved in both activities.
Now, I am struggling with thoughts on the future.
We have 2 children. She wants to raise them “Christian”. I want to raise them above religion.
As you may imagine, it’s a little stressful.
At any rate, keep up the writing. It’s great!
Perhaps, even though you live in Mesa, (it’s quite a drive) you can join myself and some other bloggers when we (randomly) get together.
June 10th, 2006 @ 11:05 am
Thank you for your blog, I went through a similar experience with my husband. I never doubted my faith, until it came between me and my husband. We’ve been married 11 years and have three children. I hope you will consider posting on a group that has helped me a lot, we it’s acceptable to lose your faith, leave your religion but it’s not as angry as the ex-mormon sites. come visit:
http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard.cfm?id=418550
June 11th, 2006 @ 1:02 am
Your focus on DOUBT is very accurate. When I first began to doubt that the church was true I was shocked and ashamed. I couldn’t understand why I was doubting…was I stupid..was I missing something a more spiritual person would easily see? Honestly, I still don’t know what to think. All I know is that I am happier without it. I am no longer frustrated nor dwelling on the confusion of religion. I know that I have no faith and that is fine with me. That is who I am.
June 12th, 2006 @ 9:17 am
I am very much enjoying your “series” on why you left the church. Thank you for sharing your story.
December 7th, 2006 @ 1:40 pm
Hey Agnostic Mom –
By the time you followed my pingback, I’d already blinded the post — I’ll repost it in January (or maybe even next week). My new dh requested that until we have the sizeable wedding gift (ha) in hand from my (rather extreme, but loving fundie) parents, I hold off on posting anything that might make its way back to them.
I quoted you as the beginning of a post coming out of the closet as an Agnostic/Atheist (still working out which I really am).