Leaving The Church Part 3
If you are new to this blog, please start with Part 1 and continue to Part 2.
Having moved to a new area, I had the luxury of introducing myself and my family for who we really were: a family struggling with religion. I scheduled an appointment with my new bishop right away to let him know that the happy family singing the hymns was not a family to call to teaching positions or leadership roles at this time.
We met in his office and I laid my concerns out for him. He did exactly what a good Mormon bishop is supposed to do in such a situatioin. He ignored the specifics and shared a few scripture passages that had nothing to do with my questions. Then he bore his testimony. (For the non-Mormons out there, the term, bearing testimony, means to state your beliefs and convictions about the truthfulness of doctrines or Mormonism).
The reason for evasion, the reason to bear testimony and share scripture is the hope that the Spirit would touch my heart. There are no answers to many of the questions. But if I can feel something inside when the bishop says, “I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet,” that should be all a person needs.
I sat in that chair, watched the man from the other side of the big desk, listened to his words, and I felt nothing. And I didn’t pretend that I did. As a result, he kept talking, and talking, and sharing, and bearing testimony.
Because of that meeting, I received my first ever calling (church responsibility) that did not require teaching doctrine or receiving inspiration. The bishop called me to be the Christmas Program Choir director. And I was happy with that.
Still, this didn’t stop him from asking me to speak in church on the subject of charity. Although still committed to going to church, I must have acquired a slight rebellious streak. I based my talk on a speech that Steven King gave at a college graduation ceremony. Steven King practically equates to the anti-Christ for a lot of Mormons, so I was happy to mix a little white into the black of some members’ black-and-white thinking.
Despite my nod to rebellion, I did not take my salvation lightly. I wasn’t about to throw everything away because I had some doubts. I continued to go to church every Sunday and be a full participant. I maintained all the standards of the Mormon church. I prayed and read scripture daily for answers to my questions. I read only Mormon sources (that includes the Bible) as I tried to find my answer.
The more I read the Book of Mormon, the more problematic it became. Why did it describe the relationship of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost in very clear terms like the non-Mormon Trinity instead of the very different Mormon Godhead?
And why did the Book of Mormon never talk about the three kingdoms (Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial), which is a fundamental part of Mormon doctrine, but instead described salvation according to typical protestant beliefs?
Why did God seem so racist? And mean?
Why were the various people in the Book of Mormon beginning to feel more like flat characters of a poorly written story rather than real complicated people?
So many questions. The more I read the Book of Mormon, the deeper it cut into the wedge in my faith.
I had to find a different source that would inspire me to feel the Spirit of God. What better place than the journals I wrote on my mission? That was the most spiritual time of my life! I dug one out, opened it up, and began reading.
That experience was worse than the Book of Mormon. It was so arrogant! My writing revealed that I thought I knew everything. I based my knowledge on how I felt. It didn’t take me too many pages of reading to know that my mission journal was a strike out. I kept reading the Book of Mormon.
Six months into this process I realized my temple recommend was about to expire. Mormons have special sacred temples where only members who keep certain standards may enter. The temple must maintain integrity as a sacred and holy place where God himself could come.
To visit the temple, you must have a temple recommend renewed every year. To get, or renew, your temple recommend, you have interviews with the bishop and the stake president (a leader of many congregations). In that interview you must be able to bear testimony that you believe Jesus is the Christ, the Mormon Church is his one true church, Joseph Smith (the founder of Mormonism) was a true prophet of God, and that the current president of the Church is also a prophet. I couldn’t say yes to any of these questions, although at the time, I thought Jesus was probably still the Christ.
I had one last chance to go to the temple before the time would come that I would have to answer these questions in the negative. I had gone in once before during this period of questioning and, to my disappoitnment, felt nothing. Six months of praying, going to church, and reading scriptures had only brought me to the belief that it was all wrong.
I made time in my schedule to visit the temple as soon as Israel came home from work. I prayed and told God that I had exercised all my faith and the lack of an answer was leading me to leave the Church. I told him that my upcoming temple visit would be my last act of faith because it was time to make a decision. I begged God to give me just the slightest seed of hope; I just needed a positive feeling in my heart to keep me going.
I went to the temple. I was determined to get an answer. I told God I was staying until he gave it to me.
I stayed until the temple closed.
Three hours of praying and I felt nothing. One of the workers approached me to say they were closing for the evening, but that they would wait for me until I was ready. He left the room. I told God, this is my last chance. WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
Nothing.
I returned home in shock. I told my husband, “The Church isn’t true.”
We sat on the bed; even he was dumbfounded. And I cried.
I think I cried myself to sleep.
But I went back to church the following Sunday. I didn’t want it to not be true.
Part 4 to come.
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June 19th, 2006 @ 7:35 am
I have been fascinated by reading this series, since my own background, lapsed not-ever-very-devout Lutheran is so different. I find it very interesting that the Mormon church, at least, has a structured way of leaving the church, or so it seems.
June 19th, 2006 @ 1:45 pm
AgnisticMom,
I eagerly await the next installment. I relate to your story so much–the struggle to get an answer from God is discomfiting, to say the least. As a Mormon, one can pick up the Ensign, New Era, or Friend (church magazines) and read every month about God answering the most mundane prayers about the most inconsequential matters (God answers a prayer for lost keys; God answers a boy’s prayer to find his lost arrow so he can get that rabbit he was hunting; God stops a snowstorm so a teenager can get to a stake fireside). But when it comes to answering the big questions, silence reigns.
Elaine, I am not sure what you mean by a “structured” way to leave the church but I am intrigued. Can you explain what you mean. There is no question that leaving Mormonism is a vastly different experience from leaving the Lutheran church (I know–I have been both Lutheran and Mormon) (although people belonging to some strands of Lutheranism–Missouri Synod, for example–may have experiences more like a Mormon’s).
June 20th, 2006 @ 12:15 am
I applaud your strength, and your conviction to do something about your crisis of faith, to actually seek answers.
From my perspective, too many people who have ever questioned their faith and/or their religion never push it very far, and ultimately consider themselves less worthy for ever having a question.
But what do I know? I’m not what you’d call a church regular, nor do I know much of the bible.
June 20th, 2006 @ 3:49 am
AgnosticMom,
As a former “Mo” myself, I have been enthralled with your story. I can’t wait for part 4. I, too, spent many an hour on my knees, and with my face buried in the scriptures. My doubts were there from the beginning. I was raised not to question, think, or doubt. For me, it was only after honing the tools of reason that a focused conslusion even became possible. Once abandoning faith, and adopting reason as my guide, my belief in the LDS story came crashing down. Fortunatly, so did my belief in anything mythical/magical.
I read stories like yours and mine more and more often on the “net.” I am amazed at the resiliancy of the human mind and its ability to over-write the poor programming of indroctination and social coercian that tends to come with and LDS upbrining.
I am going to being to focus more time on Darwin Day. My little family and I have few holidays that we “heretics” can call our own. What better way to celebrate than to cherish the greatest naturalist in history. Thanks for the idea.
I have gone from believer…to agnostic… to atheist… in just 8 short years. It is the lives of poeple just like you (realists) filled with awe, wonder, and kindness that serve as living proof that one need not live in the fog of empty belief in order to live a peaceful and fullfiling life.
Thanks for your blog.
HH
July 11th, 2006 @ 9:57 am
What a beautifully written exit story. I can’t wait to read Part 4.
When I figured it all out (the straw that broke the camel’s back was a question form a close friend – and a nephew of GBH – “did you know that Joseph Smith was having sex girls as young as 14 as well as other men’s wives?”) my TBM world started crashing down around me. Almost 30 years of service and what I thought was a series of deep meaningful spritual experiences unraveled in a matter of days.
July 23rd, 2006 @ 8:39 pm
Why do Mormons have a problem with Steven King?
(Great series, btw.)
July 23rd, 2006 @ 8:55 pm
Stephen Frug–What a funny question, I never even thought about it before. He’s the currrent king of horror. I guess most Mormon parents consider him to scary and gory, almost satanic in a way? I guess? And then there is the language factor?
It’s not to say that no Mormons read him at all. I think there is a general distate for him overall though, as if his books were evil.
October 11th, 2006 @ 12:25 pm
Wow. This “testimony” if you will about leaving the Mormon church has touched me and really made me realize that I am not alone in my thinking. I, like you, have agonized over learning that the church is not true. It has been just about 6 months for me. I too tried to go back to church, but after learning the truth, you can’t just go back and sit there and go through the motions and pretend. If I had realized the immense comfort and joy that comes when you leave the church and all its mindbending teaching behind, I would have done this years ago. I am just lucky that I married a non-member and could see the world and church through his eyes. It is so simple to the outside world to see the flaws.
My mother and father were both 1st generation converts to the church. No one else in my family is a member. I am the 1st to question and ultimately will be the 1st to leave the church. I know believe that I am agnostic. I find great joy in believing in myself and believing that through me all things are possible. Ultimately, I can only rely on myself and my husband. Relying and praying to an unknown now seems ridiculous.
The reason for my response is that I wanted to comment on the Steven King issue. My mother (a TBM as I mentioned) told me that Steven King was evil because every book that he has ever written has never been edited. Meaning basically- she says– that he writes the book- takes it to the editor and it is perfect and needs no correction. Evidently they believe that it is impossible for a person to write a book perfectly the 1st time and in order to do so (and because of the “evil nature” of most of his books) would have to be working with the devil. But—- she loves the Green Mile- go figure.
Anyway- thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m sure that there are more like me out there that will find your journey comforting.