The Funeral
Have you ever let the common phrase, “Have fun!” slip out when the recipient is headed out for a funeral? I have. And while I wouldn’t call Saturday’s funeral for my husband’s uncle fun, I can say that it was a purely enjoyable day. Beautiful, moving, emotional, sad, but enjoyable.
The unexpected death of a young person is especially tragic. The wife, sister, and sister-in-law who planned yesterday’s ceremony executed it the way every funeral should be. In my opinion. It was full of stories. Lots and lots of stories. And while this man was religious, and the tone of the funeral reflected his faith appropriately, religion was not the dominant player in this scene. The man who died was.
One of the brothers played an audio tape of my husband’s uncle from when he was just a boy. What a surprise that was. On the tape he talked about all the brothers and sisters, even a cousin, all close family who were present at the funeral. As any child is, he was funny. “And do you know what?” he started every single sentence. “Russ came over today. Sometimes he was good. But sometimes he was bad.”
Knowing Russ as we all do, we had an extra laugh for that statement, which he rephrased at least three times!
My husband’s brother coordinated the life sketch with a slide show of photos. With the exception of the few words from the church leader at the end, all of the talks were stories about the quirky personality, the unique interests, the endearing strengths.
It was a celebration of this man’s life. Not so much what he did, but who he was.
In the days before the funeral, the wife, who I am closer to than the uncle, called to ask if I would participate. “I don’t know where you’re at with the Church,” she said, “but I’d really love it if you would lead the music. I understand if you’re not comfortable.”
I was so glad that she wanted to include me in the program. I love that she was sensitive to my differences with the religion.
Leading the music would mean singing and leading the congregation in song about Jesus, life after death, and a number of other beliefs.
“I’m not a believer,” I confirmed. “But you’re my family. I want to be a part of this.”
I reminded her that none of my dressy clothes agree with the church’s standard of modesty. I wasn’t sure what she or the guests would think of me standing at the front of the chapel in slacks and a top with spagghetti straps (with 115 degree weather, it’s all I buy).
“You know he never cared about stuff like that, Noell. He would have wanted you to just be you. And if that bothers anyone else, I really don’t care. I just want you to lead the music.”
As long as she was happy I was happy. In fact, the only person who dared comment on my non-Mormon attire in the chapel was a fellow ex-Mormon family member. He is one who especially loves to tease.
Not to make such a big deal of what I was wearing! What I am trying to say is that the experience at the funeral reflected this man’s nature of openness, down-to-earth honesty, caring and acceptance for others, and having a firm stand on his principles. At the funeral I reflected on that nature and how it is typical of most every family member, both on my husband’s and my own sides.
So while I often harp on problems I see with religion, it is good to make note of the many, many religious people who want to walk their chosen paths and allow others to do the same. To my husband’s family members who read this: thank you.
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July 23rd, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
Noell, I’m sorry for your loss. But I think it’s wonderful when families can accept each other’s differences, especially at such a stressful time.
My grandfather’s “funeral” was a backyard cookout at my grandparents’ house. It was a wonderful, went all day and well into the evening. I saw people I hadn’t seen in many years, and although the reason for the gathering was sad, the gathering itself was not. We all felt comfortable enjoying ourselves and each other’s company, because it was what he would have wanted.
July 23rd, 2006 @ 9:07 pm
It sounded so lovely and moving, how funerals should be for everyone.
July 23rd, 2006 @ 10:22 pm
I’ve been to your site a number of times and it seems each time your page CSS or HTML is a bit more corrupted. In my IE browser, your pages are very broken. Be sure to check your site in the major browser types from time to time for quality control. You’d be suprised; what might look fine in one is very broken in another.
– John Teal
July 23rd, 2006 @ 10:37 pm
John,
Try this browser. It works great on Noell’s site.
http://www.mozilla.com/firefox/
July 23rd, 2006 @ 10:55 pm
I hope my own funeral is as special as this one. So glad you were asked to participate and could celebrate his life, too.
P.S. I use firefox and your site looks fine to me.
July 24th, 2006 @ 7:15 am
Glad to see not every religion is unwelcoming.
Sorry for the death in your family.
July 24th, 2006 @ 10:16 am
Noell,
That story is most refreshing. Too often we hear the stories about families that shun or castigate those who seek their own path, especially when that path does not follow “God’s” path.
That your family was both attentive enough to know that you are walking a new path, and sensitive enough to know that you may be uncomfortable with what they want you to do, and yet caring enough to still give you the choice, and ultimately that you chose to do it speaks very highly of them and you.
I am truly sorry for your loss, but I am glad to hear that the experience was not made more painful or difficult than it need be.
I recently lost a cousin. We were not extremely close, but there was still pain.
Nonethless, she was never a church-goer, or even a casual believer. However, at her funeral, it became apparent that she was, at the end, perhaps seeking to make the connection.
This I don’t have a problem with.
But there was a person there, whom nobody else knew, who claimed to have prayed with my cousin, and helped her become reborn.
Again, not really a problem.
But then, in the middle of a funeral, with dozens of family and friends there, this person begins telling us that we all must seek God, and that we all must accept that we live in sin, and blah-blah-blah….
I was so offended. Beyond my complete disdain for any organized religion, and beyond my increasing displeasure with the whole notion of Christianity (not exclusively), I was offended that this person thought that my cousin’s funeral was an opportunity to prosletize. (sp?)
This act was nothing more than a reaffirmation of what is wrong with organized religion, and certainly what is wrong with fanaticism. No, she didn’t seem fanatical to the point of say Andrea Yates or Osama bin Laden, but definitely fanatical.
But I digress.
Nice to know your family is bigger than their religion. It has to help with your departure from it.
July 24th, 2006 @ 11:26 am
Your site always looks fine to me and I use the same old regular Internet Explorer Browser.
July 26th, 2006 @ 9:59 pm
Mormons do good funerals. My father had a mormon funeral and I remember a full chapel and a lot of laughter about his life. Remember the real and full people with love is the most important way to say good-by in my book.
July 31st, 2006 @ 10:04 am
“Religion” comes from a word that means “rebinding.” The death of a friend or family member is a particularly important time for us to rebind ourselves to our families and loved ones. Non-religious and religious may agree on that, I hope.
August 31st, 2008 @ 4:26 am
Xanax….
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