Prayer Jokes

We spent a few weeks with my family in Kansas City, and whenever the kids are around extended family very long, whichever of them happens to be six or seven years old at the time becomes fascinated with the whole prayer-thing that both sets of grandparents do before eating. Because you know, we don’t do that.

So the first day or two after we got back Aiden adopted the family prayer-fascination role, because he is the current six-year-old. He kept suggesting we pray before eating. I’d say, “That’s for people who believe there’s a god up in the sky.” And he’d say something like, “There is one. You have to believe in him and he has a beard and a lightening bolt and his name is Zeus.”

So anyway, Trinity, the former six-year-old who at one time hounded us with lots of prayer requests but now says, “How about we pray to Mom and thank HER for the food?” (yeah, that’s my girl)–well, she had an idea last Sunday when we were getting ready for my husband’s Jewish grandmother to come over (Jewish in a heavy heritage/cultural sense, not so much in an actively religious one).

Trinity said, “How about when Grandma is here and we sit down to eat, we act like we’re going to pray, but then we all chant, ‘Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble. By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.’” (You Shakespeare geeks will recognize that).

Yeah…so my husband and kids did that. I don’t include myself because 1) I never bothered to learn it. 2) Grandma may not be very religious but I thought she might freak a little.

I went along with it, at least…When my husband suggested we all hold hands in a circle around the table I did it too. And when they did their dark chant, I saw Grandma’s eye brow creep up, just a little.

And then Grandma responded with, “I’ve got one.” And I thought, Oh no, I have to sit through another prayer? I thought I left that back in Kansas City.

Then she said, “Everybody put your elbows on the table.” So we did.

“Now clasp your hands together…and rest your chin on them.” We did. And at this point I’m relieved and trying not to laugh because my kids have no idea that nobody prays in that position. Then she says something like, “Thanks for the bread, thanks for the meat. Now when the heck are we going to eat?”

Laughs all around the table and we’re having a good time and let me just say, I’m glad we have friends and loved ones who will blaspheme with us.

27 thoughts on “Prayer Jokes”

  1. I loved the part about the kids wanting to pray to you in thanks for cooking the meal. That makes so much more sense that praying to some imaginary gods.

  2. Love this. My new goal in life is to have a child who can quote Shakespeare at the dinner table.

  3. Amazing foundation you are laying for these children (God’s heritage)!! Don’t take God’s mercies for granted. A day will come when you will answer for your custodianship in these chidren’s lives.

    I will be praying for you!

    Don’t forget: God loves you even though you deny him!!!

    Remain blessed.

  4. Did not see that coming. Loved it nonetheless. Keep writing; you’re illuminating a dark corner of this Internet here.

  5. I loved the part about your daughter wanting to thank YOU for putting out the meal for them. I mean, I always remain thankful to the powers that be — whatever they are (my gut tells me they aren’t a man with a white beard with a lightning bolt in the sky either though, but that’s a WHOLE other story on my own quest for spiritual answers, that most likely will never come to fruition until I die….but anyways)…. too often I think we often forget to thank each OTHER for what we do on a daily basis. I see that people that commented here have judged you (not naming names), but if there’s anything I learned growing up having Chrisiantity forced upon me, it’s “Do not Judge, lest thee be judged.” It just makes me mad is all. I’ve been really inspired by your blog at times, and it makes me laugh. I don’t understand why people have to go put their nose down at you like THEIR a “God”. Anywho, I’ll get off my soapbox. Just wanted to say your recent blog made me chuckle, and I enjoy your website. Thanks for sharing your stories!

  6. That was very entertaining.

    I’m a long time reader, and figured I might as well make it as a first time commenter; I really do enjoy most of the things you end up writing here.

    In fact, it was your blog (specifically your deconversion posts) that helped lead me to the conclusion that I no longer believe in God as well (I come from a very strong LDS background as well). That was about 3 years ago (about the same time I moved to the valley), and I finally told my wife my beliefs about 4 months ago. While her reaction was expected, it went much better than I had imagined.

    In any case, keep up the good work, and thanks!

  7. I always find the notion of not indoctrinating your children interesting. Whether you raise them to believe in God or not to you still raise them to believe what you believe. Atheist are raised atheist, agnostics are raised agnostics, christians are raised christians. All are personal belief systems that can’t be proven beyond a doubt. Even when we are not telling them what to believe we are actively steering them.

    I don’t look at what my parents passed on to me a “crammed down my throat” but rather their attempts to pass on to me what was a value to them. I try to pass on my values to my children now and I’m sure they will continue the process.

  8. Noelle,
    I was looking for a way to contact you personally, but couldn’t find anything. I would love your advice on an issue you might have experience in…
    My husband and I come from LDS families, but have chosen to live a non-religious, humanist life. This hasn’t been a problem with our families until the birth of our daughter (now 5 months old). My mom watches my daughter while we work. Though we’ve asked her to not teach our daughter her religion, she continues to sing primary songs and hymns to her all the time. I don’t know what to say or do to get her to stop without offending her. Do you have any suggestions?

  9. Pretty simplistic view- white beard in the sky. The fragile balance of the earth suggests a Creator. I find beauty, pleasure, art, and variety on this planet. As I smell subtle fragrances on a summer day, feel cool breezes in the fall and stand awestruck by the beauty of snow in winter, I can’t help believing in a Creator and One who loves the created. Sue me.


  10. That’s interesting that you’re an Agnostic yet your daughter is named Trinity, which in the Christian doctrine we know is reference to the unity of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Your daughters name is a contradiction to your non-beliefs. When the Bible says that God knew us even before we were conceived, he did.
    Our souls are a part of Him. We were created in his image and he has a purpose for all of us, He loves you and your family and has a plan for you even though you deny His existence. I hope and pray for you and your family that you all will realize it before it is too late. Jesus is returning soon and we all need to be ready. May God bless you and your family.

  11. I am going to back up brad’s comments. I will be praying for you as well. To cut off belief in God’s existence is to cut off his blessings. I once lived like you and am so thankful that by the grace of God I was shown the truth, and my life is incredibly and miraculously fulfilling now. If you are interested or have questions about the truth, please please contact me.

  12. I think I would rather live my life as if there is a God to die and find out that there isn’t rather than to live my life as if there is no God and die to find out that there is. I guess if you are happy, then that is what is important. I have to say that I do hope you will allow your children to find their truth and not be forced to accept yours. I like your site, though, and I am glad you stand by your convictions and take the time to express your opinions. Take care.

  13. I got a giggle from some of the religious commenters. That last guy actually brought up Pascal’s Wager. Classic!

    I’m going to help them all by sending them “Logic Vibes”

    Also I think I might get my kids to pray to me, I could use the encouragement.

  14. I am thankful for my food. I am thankful for my husbands good job and money to buy good food. I am thankful for my family sitting around the table. Thankful for thankful’s sake! Good for goodness sake! Thanks for the story. Keep writing.

  15. I’ll be praying for you and your family, because God is amazing and I don’t want you all to be left out! He loves us so much that He has His perfect son die on the cross, so that our sins could not block us from heaven, and that makes me excited. All you need to do is have faith in JC!

  16. Just wanted to stop by and say hi! Miss your writing much, but I know you’re busy doing wonderful things out in the real world! LOL! These fundies who pop up every now and again and comment here are a BLAST! One wonders, “WWJC: What Would Jesus Comment?” LAMO! Okay, okay, I digress–hope all is well and wonderful in your world!

  17. BRAVA! Such a wonderful and refreshing blog. I will definitely be coming back to read more. I know I don’t have to tell you this, but ignore the christians who are afraid for your souls! ha they live in fear. Keep up the great work!

  18. Bravo. Absolutely loved the story.

    As an African-American woman, I am under tremendous pressure to be a devout Christian. I have lost many a loved one over my choice to be a non-believer. People are taken aback when I tell them I don’t believe in Jesus and his wonderful story. They are immediately taken aback. I absolutely adore the cute little look of pity I get after their initial reaction and then comes phase 3: lots of prayer and bible thumping for the poor lost heathen. As if they know something I don’t know. LMAO Such a nice, pretty, intelligent girl……. Too bad she’s going to Hell with gasoline drawers on.

  19. As a converted agnostic my conversion was decades in the making. It takes courage to be honest with your self. God may or may not exist but all relegion is man made ideology. Why do 10,000 relegions exist? Thats easly one to figure out. I beleive in the truth , I’m just not ignorant or arrogant enough to claim that I know what that is. I enjoyed your reading and best wishes.

  20. It just tickles me to see those who “care” about the author’s soul. Wow. How ingenuine.
    How does someone pray for the whole population of non-believers? Must be a 24/7 thing, really.
    Prayer is what incantation once was. Magic is smoke and mirrors.
    Wake up.

  21. I have to say I love comment #16…as though “God” has the corner of the market on the word “trinity.” O.o Anyway…love your blog. Great post! Thanks for your boldness in just staying true to your own path.

    Sincerity and transparency are a lot more compelling than self-righteous certainty, no matter which “side of the fence” it’s coming from. (Sorry for all the grammar errors =D)

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