At four years old he learned (and understood!) how to count musical notation.

These days he makes stuff out of paper or trash. We can hardly throw anything away because he sees it as a potential component to something he can build. Recently he designed a three-dimensional box out of paper and provided picture instructions on how to do it. Yesterday he took two light bulb boxes from the recycle bin, taped them together, and devised rules for a game, again, with illustrated instructions.

This desire to break everything down to components and answers has made the holidays an interesting experience. At four years old Aiden found a packaged toy in our bedroom closet and announced with a huge smile that Mom and Dad go shopping and pretend to be Santa Clause. There was no disappointment because the magic was in having potentially figured it out.

We didn’t give him an outright yes or no. I just asked him, “What makes you think that?” And when he gave me his evidence, I nodded my head and said, “Very interesting idea.” I’m learning he doesn’t want us to give him a definite yes or no. He prefers a little mystery so he can continue to find evidence to prove or disprove his theories.

Skepticism & The Tooth Fairy

On Christmas Eve, at six-and-a-half years old, Aiden finally lost his first tooth and we were expecting a meeting between two holiday mystery characters. Santa Clause and the tooth fairy in one night! Of course, the solution of one led to the solution of the other. “I know Mom is the tooth fairy,” he said.

We played our usual run-around game, ”Why do you assume it’s Mom? What if it’s Dad?”

He laughed, “Because the Tooth Fairy is a girl!”

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. “In that short film Dad made, Larry was the Tooth Fairy.”

“Oh, yeah…” Aiden stewed on that, looking back and forth from me to Israel.

Last week when he lost his second tooth he decided to take a risk and test his theory by addressing the tooth fairy, herself. Or, himself. After receiving payment for his tooth he put a note under his pillow. Israel and I responded to it on the same piece of paper, with a little clue to the true nature of the “tooth fairy.” The new information surprised him so he asked a follow-up question and we answered that, as well. It continued for a few nights. Here’s what the note said after the third night:

Aiden: I love you.

Tooth fairy: Thank you for the teeth. We love you too.

Aiden: Who are you!

Tooth fairy: We are the ones who buy your special teeth.
We are the tooth fairy.
Why do you want to know?

Aiden: Because I want to see what you look like.

Tooth fairy: I look a little bit like you. –#1
(in different handwriting): And so do I. –#2

Apparently, we threw him off with our last response. He came running into the kitchen where the rest of us were sitting at the table and he announced, “My toothfairies are clones of me!”

We exchanged looks. We questioned his theory. We asked him to read his note again and emphasized the words, “a little bit.” But he wasn’t thinking about the qualifier. He was chewing on the implications of this new bizarre idea. He looked around the dining table, shot his arm into to a point toward Blake and yelled, “And your tooth fairy must be two clones of you!” He then pointed to Dad and Trinity and myself, “And you have your own clones . . . and so do you!”

We were slightly concerned.

To Discover Or To Be Told

Later that night Aiden confided in me. “I’m embarrassed that I wrote, ‘I love you,’ to my clones. I meant for that to go to you because I thought you were the tooth fairy.”

I couldn’t keep his sweet vulnerability exposed like that. I told him, “You know, Aiden? A lot of people say that I look a little bit like you.”

“No, you don’t,” he answered.

Now I understood his switch to the Clone Theory. He had no idea we look similar. “Yeah, I really do. A little bit.”

Recognition pushed his eyes wide open and he emphasized the words, “A little bit?”

“Yeah,” I said. “And Daddy looks a little like you, too.”

He smiled and his embarrassment vanished. But within minutes disappointment replaced it and he complained to us, “Now I know for sure that Mom and Dad are the tooth fairy.” It turns out he really does prefer the questions, the theories, the evidence collecting, over hearing the answer from someone else.

“I didn’t say that, Aiden,” I immediately backtracked. “Blake and Trinity look like you, too. And Grandma Gertrude has the same exact nose as you.”

He laughed and let it go. Hopefully, I left it open just enough for him to have sunk back into his happy state of wonderful skeptical inquiry again. His third tooth is loose now and Easter is on its way, so I guess we’ll find out soon enough. If not, it might be time to nudge his questions in a newer, deeper direction, anyway.

So the first day or two after we got back Aiden adopted the family prayer-fascination role, because he is the current six-year-old. He kept suggesting we pray before eating. I’d say, “That’s for people who believe there’s a god up in the sky.” And he’d say something like, “There is one. You have to believe in him and he has a beard and a lightening bolt and his name is Zeus.”

So anyway, Trinity, the former six-year-old who at one time hounded us with lots of prayer requests but now says, “How about we pray to Mom and thank HER for the food?” (yeah, that’s my girl)–well, she had an idea last Sunday when we were getting ready for my husband’s Jewish grandmother to come over (Jewish in a heavy heritage/cultural sense, not so much in an actively religious one).

Trinity said, “How about when Grandma is here and we sit down to eat, we act like we’re going to pray, but then we all chant, ‘Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble. By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.’” (You Shakespeare geeks will recognize that).

Yeah…so my husband and kids did that. I don’t include myself because 1) I never bothered to learn it. 2) Grandma may not be very religious but I thought she might freak a little.

I went along with it, at least…When my husband suggested we all hold hands in a circle around the table I did it too. And when they did their dark chant, I saw Grandma’s eye brow creep up, just a little.

And then Grandma responded with, “I’ve got one.” And I thought, Oh no, I have to sit through another prayer? I thought I left that back in Kansas City.

Then she said, “Everybody put your elbows on the table.” So we did.

“Now clasp your hands together…and rest your chin on them.” We did. And at this point I’m relieved and trying not to laugh because my kids have no idea that nobody prays in that position. Then she says something like, “Thanks for the bread, thanks for the meat. Now when the heck are we going to eat?”

Laughs all around the table and we’re having a good time and let me just say, I’m glad we have friends and loved ones who will blaspheme with us.

From Shok The Agnostic

What would cause a pastor of over 20 yrs to leave the ministry? My reasons and story are uniquely mine. Maybe you have been in my shoes in one way or another. I started out in the Pentecostal and Charismatic traditions of showing up early and leaving late from every church meeting I ever attended. As a result, as soon as I was asked to do anything, I always said “yes.” In our churches, the way into ministry was through apprenticeship, for higher learning was suspect as not being spiritual enough for true ministers.

I was as sincere as anyone I have ever met. My motives were honest, simple, and trusting that I was truly following God. I was led to believe that my calling and gifts would make room for me in the kingdom. It sounded good to me, and I bit into it hook, line, and sinker.

Soon I was the anointed worship leader, Christian school administrator, elder, assistant pastor, building coordinator, TV host, hospital visitation minister, home group leader, secretary, board member, and anything else that was needed on the staff of the largest charismatic church in our four county area. I was “in.” I was busy, and I was burning for God.

Sometimes weeks went by without one night at home with my wife and children. I was too anointed to need time at home, right? Does it sound familiar yet? As life unfolded and people kept encouraging me to keep on fire for God, or at least burn out trying, my wife developed asthma. To make a long and painful story shorter, let’s just say that it was assumed that because this happened we were losing our anointing or walking in some secret sin.

Weary and burdened with asthma and the disdain of those who once saw us as their leaders, we began to question everything called “ministry.” I am leaving out a ton of details for time’s sake, but as the 20 years went by, we found ourselves losing any desire for involvement in formal ministry. Instead we enjoyed spending time with those who had nothing to do with church, such as Lou, the bassist and head of the satanic church in Laramie, Wyoming. We loved our time with each other and our kids. One thing led to another, and since October 2000, I have not been in the formal ministry. This has been a disappointment to my father, as well as to those who knew us as church leaders.

These days, I find myself with more respect for myself as a person, with more love for my wife Tammy, with our three grown kids and their sweethearts, and with our grandson. I also love all the good people I have met through the Elks Club, the Chamber of Commerce, my current work in real estate and bus driving, the local bowling and golf leagues, and our downtown community parties.

In short, I have become almost everything I used to preach against. What has become of my theology? I have experienced everything my charismatic background had to offer, and found myself lacking love for myself, my family and others. Since I have left organized religion and de-toxed since year 2000, I find love increasing in every way. I think I am reduced to love. If there is a God and that God is love, then I’m into that.

Previously, people were a burden. Now, I love spending time with anyone, regardless of his or her belief system. People are no longer a project to bring to conversion, or a possible warm body to prop up a church program, or a parishioner who might tithe regularly so we can grow the church. I am done with pimpin’ the program.

It’s healing just to write a bit of my story. Do I miss the ministry or attending church? No. I wouldn’t trade my life for what I now have. How could I afford to leave? I drove trucks, waited tables, delivered pizza, installed cabinets, worked in a factory, sold houses, drove school bus, and worked at a golf course. Some of this I still do. If you are dying to get out, it isn’t easy. It’s a process. It’s embarrassment at its highest in the church world. But what the hell, it’s so worth it. I’m just starting to live and love.

Thanks for listening.

Shok the Agnostic

Let me start by saying that I’m not truly 100% vegan. I think of myself as vegan, but every once in a while I remember that the real hard-core purist vegans might not consider me one.

First, I eat eggs once in a long while, which I buy from my friend because I’ve seen her chickens and how free they are to roam on her property. I don’t bake with them. But sometimes we fry them.

Second, I snag some of my kids’ Cheez-It’s here and there, and sometimes I have some dessert while we’re out that has an egg or milk in it. But all of my own cooking and baking is vegan, and most of what I eat when dining out or with friends is vegan, as well. I figure it’s better that I allow myself a few exceptions than that I go back to meat-eating because I miss just a couple things.

The (Many) Reasons

Jason asked me this question when I mentioned that I am now a vegan…

Were the reasons you went vegan for philosophical reasons or health reasons? Just curious as I know many who have arrived at vegetarianism and veganism on many separate paths…

My reasons for becoming a vegan are all of the above, plus some. Veganism is better for the environment. Think of all that land going to feed cows, just so that we can eat them and drink their milk. Think of all that methane.

Veganism is compassionate. Not only do the animals lose their right to life, but many of them suffer a low-quality of life, and often a brutal one.

It’s healthy. That one was a surprise for me. Because I have a problem with hypo-glycemia and was always very concerned about getting enough protein, I never thought I could forgo meat. It turns out that plant-based protein is more stable, and my blood-sugar has never been as regular as it is now. Of course, you have to eat a whole-foods diet in order for it to be healthy. That requires a major lifestyle change for most Americans. I recommend taking gradual steps in a vegan direction.

It’s moral. I’ve always thought it was a better moral decision to choose not to eat meat or animal by-products. But because I didn’t realize I could do that and be healthy, it didn’t seem like a moral imperative. Now that I have learned that it’s possible to let the animals live–while improving my health at the same time–I do believe it is the right thing to do.

The Family Meals

What about my family? They’re not true vegetarians, although they eat a vegetarian diet at home. When we go out they often choose animal products (my husband, not so much). But they’re all fine with the vegan diet we eat at home because they like my food. There are so many amazing vegan recipes to explore that in the nine months I’ve been cooking this way, I’ve only repeated a few recipes. My husband prefers my food to all of our favorite restaurants.

My Recommendations

If you’re looking to eat fewer animals, I have a couple favorite sources, which are the keys to my being able to do this, while keeping everyone happy…

Moosewood Restaraunt New Classics and Moosewood Simple Suppers recipe books–These are not totally vegan. They have vegetarian recipes, fish and seafood recipes, and vegan recipes. They’re delicious. They make me turn my nose up at other restaurant food. They’re easy to follow (although, many of the New Classics recipes, which are amazing, will keep you in the kitchen longer).

Vegetarian Food For Thought Podcast by Colleen Patrick Goudreau–This is such an informative podcast on everything having to do with vegetarian cooking and animal cruelty. I also have her cookbook, The Joy Of Vegan Baking, and we LOVE the stuff we make from this.

Listen from the website.

It sure was fun talking about things I really haven’t talked much about in a while. It’s nice seeing my old friends trickling in to the blog again, too. Plus some new names–those never stopped, though, amazingly.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help. Here is what Dale said we could do:

A polite expression of curious interest combined with excitement for the appearance of such a reasonable and respectful book — that’s the ticket. Something like this:

Dear Mr. Windybottom,

I just came across a great new parenting book and wondered if you’d heard about it. It’s called “Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion” and is co-written by a number of prominent authors ranging from Richard Dawkins to a Unitarian minister. Early reviews are praising it as evenhanded and down-to-earth, not an angry screed. As a longtime reader of [insert mag name here], I’d love to see a review of this book in your pages. Would you happen to know if that’s in the works? I look forward to hearing from you!

Regards,
Sandy Subscriber

As for the list of mags I’m most eager to break into, here’s my top ten:

Parents Magazine: www.parents.com
Parenting Magazine (circ. over 2 million): www.parenting.com
Informed Parent – includes prominent book reviews: www.informedparent.com
Brain, Child – very good content fit: www.brainchildmag.com
Family Resource.com – prominent reviews: www.familyresources.com
Gay Parent – many gay parents are secularists: www.gayparentmag.com
Cookie Magazine: www.cookiemag.com
New Parent Magazine: www.newparent.com
Wondertime Magazine: www.wondertime.go.com
Mothering Magazine: www.mothering.com

I’d be very grateful for help in gently contacting the editors at these publications. Thanks Noell, and thanks to your readers!

Several parenting magazines are declining to review the book for fear of offending religious subscribers, and a few retailers are declining to stock the book, claiming there is no market for it. It is essential that we demonstrate otherwise, so please put all promotional oars in the water as soon as possible.

I know that a huge percentage of AgnosticMom readers have blogs. Will you please promote the book on your sites? You can also send a link to the friends and family members on your email lists. Plus, if you can spare the change, how about ordering one for your local library?

Here is a link to the book, Parenting Beyond Belief. Let me know when your order your copy!

DALE MCGOWAN is a writer, editor, and critical thinking educator in Minneapolis. His satirical novel Calling Bernadette’s Bluff has been called “an undoubted triumph of satire” and “wicked funny.” He recently completed Northing at Midlife, a humorous narrative of a midlife crisis encountered on the trails of Britain. McGowan is editor of Rumors of Peace, the international newsletter of Nonviolent Peaceforce, is a board member of the Critical Thinking Club, Inc. and has taught critical thinking skills in the college classroom, the corporate boardroom, and public venues.

Dale met Becca, now an elementary educator, in 1984 when they were both members of the University of California Band in Berkeley, CA. They live near Minneapolis with their three ethical, caring kids

I read on the Parenting Beyond Belief forum that you grew up going to church. What religion were you?

We attended a UCC (United Church of Christ) dutifully every Sunday, but there wasn’t much presence of religion in our home the rest of the week. I grew up in the sort of nominally Christian home that’s so common.

Your dad died when you were thirteen years old and that event was the catalyst to a long journey of trying to discover truth about what happens after death and whether God exists. When I say long, I mean it lasted until you were about thirty three years old. Is that right? Throughout this time did you lean toward believing or not believing?

It was at Dad’s funeral that I began to feel that questions about God were important and interesting enough to pursue. Over the next twenty years I chased the answers to five questions:

1. Can I ask these questions?

2. May I ask these questions?

3. Even if I can and may, are answers possible?

4. If so, do the answers matter?

5. Am I alone in my conclusions?

For the sake of the inquiry, I had to assume the answer to the first question was yes. I gradually realized that a decent God was unlikely to care if I was honestly wrong about him, which took care of #2.

Question #3 took much longer. At last I realized that “Is there a God?” was the wrong question. “Why do people believe there is a God?” – now there’s a question I could actually pursue. If it turned out that people had good reasons for believing, I too would be justified in doing so. It was the process of learning why people believe that took most of twenty years.

I began to recognize the terribly negative effects of religious belief in my early thirties, which answered #4, and discovered (through AN Wilson) the astonishingly rich and largely concealed history of disbelief, which answered #5. At that point, in my mid-thirties, I felt I could express my disbelief with a greater confidence in its reasoned foundation.

You attended nine denominations throughout your church-going days. What were they?

The experiences varied from a few visits to several years. Let’s see if I can do it from memory: UCC, Mormon, Unitarian, Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist megachurch (five years, please shoot me), Catholic, Episcopalian. I always forget one. Uh…Presbyterian!

Which played the most dominant role?

Unitarian. I attended Neighborhood UU Church in Pasadena, California for two years in high school and actually looked forward to the services. The minister (whose name I would swear was something like Reverend Lovejoy) would talk about life, actual human here-on-this-planet life! I felt challenged, inspired, and enlightened every Sunday.

Is your wife a nonbeliever and freethinker as well?

She was a mainstream Christian when we started dating and for about the first nine years of our marriage. And though I’d vigorously dissect the service on the way home from each ordeal at our Baptist megachurch, I never set out to change her views. But she’s wickedly smart (in addition to being perfect in every other way) and eventually began to question her own way out. She now calls herself a “humanist who prays ‘to whom it may concern.’”

Parenting Beyond Belief isn’t your first book. You’ve also written two novels. What drove you to switch over to nonfiction and write for secular parents?

The novels were written when I was a secular humanist professor at a Catholic college. They were satirical releases, born out of the frustration of that situation. Calling Bernadette’s Bluff was published in 2002; the sequel, Good Thunder, is finished but not yet released. I’m very happy with them, but I really think fiction is the aberration for me. My first love is narrative nonfiction, including a humorous travel narrative I wrote while living in England in 2004 (also pending release).

PBB came about because of the crying need for it, a need I discovered while editor of the Family Issues page of the Atheist Alliance WebCenter. I simply could not believe how little there was out there for parenting without religion, so I created PBB.

I realize the book hasn’t been released yet, but what kind of response is Parenting Beyond Belief getting?

It has been overwhelmingly positive – a kind of ripple-hallelujah from people who’ve been waiting for just such a thing. And word is spreading like wildfire. Googling the phrase “Parenting Beyond Belief” on January 1 gave me 49 hits. Last week it passed 12,000. I daresay we’re onto something!

Why is now the time to publish this book?

Ooh, I like that! Makes it sound like I sat on the project until just the right moment. In fact, this is when I got around to it. But I do think the timing is unbeatable, for three interrelated reasons:

(1) Publishers are ready. Ten years ago, no mainstream publisher would have touched it, but now disbelief is coming into its own. The enormous and recent success of the Dawkins, Harris, and Dennett books showed the publishing industry that nonbelievers exist in large numbers and that they read.

(2) Our numbers are increasing. In 1990, 8% of respondents to a USA Today poll identified themselves as non-religious. By 2002 that sector had grown to 14.1%. I don’t think 18 million people stopped believing during that time; for the most part, I think 18 million people started being comfortable with saying they didn’t believe. And that’s the point when we start getting comfortable sharing our disbelief with our children, as a value, not as the absence of one.

(3) Five years from now, with any luck, the book will have competition. At the moment there is essentially none, which makes this a better time!

Do you know how many non-religious families there are, and how this compares to estimates from years past?

This can only be guesssed from other statistics. The U.S. Census in 2000 counted 37.3 million households in the U.S. with school-age children. Assuming the same rough percentage of nonbelievers among parents as non-parents, these numbers yield a conservative estimate of seven million individual non-religious parents in the U.S. today, or roughly five million families.

What do you think is the number one reason for the boom in interest in leaving religious belief behind in our culture today?

The rise of fundamentalism, both Christian and Islamic. When George W. Bush was elected for the first time, I found myself in a room full of long-faced humanists bemoaning the end of the enlightenment. “Chins up!” I said. “This is the best possible news for us.” And I was right, imho. It is difficult to get people to see religion as a cultural cancer when it is moderated and under wraps. Only when religious zealotry takes the reins of power does the evidence become overwhelming.

We’ve had a chance to see the true face of religious orthodoxy in recent years, from a president who says God wanted him to invade another country to a religious electorate that seemed willing to permit him any course of action so long as he said his prayers. We can’t see priests without thinking of the hundreds who abused their authority to molest trusting children. Nineteen devout young men perpetrated mass murder on 9/11. Some people, gratifyingly, are beginning at last to connect the dots.

Disbelief isn’t automatically morally superior. We don’t need to make such an arrogant claim to earn our place at the table.
All we needed was the removal of the assumption that belief granted automatic supremacy. Now that that is a harder argument to make, people can think for themselves — and more people than ever are thinking their way out of superstition.

Has there been any public criticism from the religious side or do you anticipate any?

Nothing yet, and a number of Christians who’ve read excerpts have expressed pleasant surprise. The book does not attack religion or attempt to “recruit” people away from religious parenting. It is intended to encourage and support those who have already made the decision to raise their kids without religion and simply want a little help in doing so. Our hope is to help create a world in which disbelief is accepted as a normal and acceptable choice. Reasonable readers of all perspectives should be able to accept that.

A major concern of AgnosticMom readers is dealing with social situations and people who may not want to associate with atheists and agnostics. Do you have a section that addresses this subject? If so, tell us about it.

It’s not a separate section, but a thread that runs through several chapters, popping up in discussions of church-state separation, “mixed marriage,” and the chapter of Personal Reflections.

Do you envision following this with another book or project on a related subject?

Yes indeed. Since this was the first major book on the subject, we couldn’t hope to accomplish everything in one fell swoop. We hoped to play out some threads that could be continued in other projects. I see three immediate needs: a book devoted to dealing with death and loss, another on being secular in a religious extended family, and a practical book of activities.

Today I am going to add an additional activity to what we did last year. I’m still working it out in my brain but I think I am going to explore color with the kids as a metaphor for how all of life is made up of just a handful of basic particles. Just as all color and all its variety come from three primary colors and black and white, everything we see in the world with all its variety comes from a limited number of elements (I’m still not sure what I should break it all down to. Any suggestions?)

We’ll play with paint, beginning with red, yellow, and blue, expanding to the secondary colors, then the tertiary. We’ll add black and white for varying tone. I may use that to explain mutations and how some mutations help a creature to survive environmental pressures, allowing it to reproduce more, and some mutations make it harder to survive, preventing it from reproducing as much.

And of course, we’ll also be doing the traditional AgnosticMom stuff that I outlined in my HNN article:

Feb. 12: Introduction of Evolution through Family Book Reading
Dinner focus: The first phase of evolutionary life: shellfish, jellyfish, worms
A. Read The Tree Of Life: The Wonders Of Evolution by Ellen Jackson.
B. Dinner:
1. Very involved version: A smorgasboard of shellfish: shrimp, lobster, oysters
2. Simpler version: Shrimp dinner
3. After dinner treat: Gummi-worms (put them in cute gift bags or boxes on their
plates. The kids love that!).
C. Table decor theme: Under the sea

What are you doing today? Whether you have ever commented before or not, please leave a comment if you are celebrating Darwin Day and tell us what you are doing today! If you have a blog and have written about it there, leave us a link.

I have some ideas of activities I hope to add this year. I’ll be sure to post them to the blog. If you have some ideas to share, please leave a comment!

Also, HNN’s editor had asked for my thoughts on the Ashley story. If you’re interested in that controversy and would like to see how I apply my ethics, you can read my Letter To The Editor here.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out my article in the Humanist Network News. Normally I only contribute one article a month, but this month I will have a second article in HNN. This week’s article is a general description of what Darwin Day is. Next week is an outline of how my family celebrated last year. As we get closer to the day, I will post any extra activities that we may add this year.

I was really nervous about the social implications when I stopped going to the Mormon church and became an atheist/agnostic. The religion I came from forces you to make a choice: Either come out of the closet so you can live your life the way you think is appropriate, or stay hidden and live the rules of the Mormon Church. I came out of the closet because my sister was about to get married in the LDS (Mormon) temple. You have to hold what is called a “recommend” in order to go in. My recommend had expired during the time that I was trying to figure out my beliefs. I could not get a new one and keep my integrity in tact because you must proclaim your belief that Jesus is the Christ and Joseph Smith was his prophet in order to do so.

By the time of the wedding I had confirmed to myself that I was not a believer. Rather than lie, I decided to tell my family that I would not be going through the temple for the wedding and the reason was that I no longer believed the church was true. And in fact, I was an atheist. (I called myself an atheist before I decided to call myself an agnostic. To me it is all semantics and a bit problematic). I suppose I didn’t have to tell the reasons why, but it has never been in my nature to act like someone I am not. I was never shy about being a Mormon and I am not shy about being agnostic.

Of course, telling my parents was one of the hardest things to do. They didn’t take it well. But after four and a half years they have seen that I am not backing down, they have seen that my children continue to hold excellent standards and principles, they have seen that I have a presence in the secular/humanist community, and they have seen that I am happy and non-disruptive to their religious lives. It has gotten better with them year after year and I now feel mostly satisfied with where we are in our relationship.

When I left religion, I also felt a need to tell my current friends. One reason was because I held many leadership positions, never missed church, and was very involved. The other was because Mormons have strict rules about clothing; rules which are absurd for people in desert climates to abide by. I was happy to be able to dress in less constricting clothes that were much more appropriate. But it was a shock to all my friends for me to suddenly expose my shoulders. It may seem silly to someone who is not from the Mormon culture, but it is scandalous for a Mormon not to abide by the dress code if they once had. People usually suspect that marriage infidelity led to the change.

So, it was awkward in the beginning feeling compelled to announce my change to my friends at their first sight of me in un-Mormonish clothing. I didn’t want them to assume the wrong things about me. The revelation of my non-belief shocked and hurt them. I received many warnings from people who had “gone astray” at one time and and regretted it. Still, as awkward as it was, I think is beneficial. It is beneficial to our community because it spreads the word that nontheists are normal people. It is beneficial to ourselves because 1) It takes us out of our comfort zone, and that is always healthy! 2) It frees us up to be who we are and not have to hide.

Thankfully, I am past that phase now, of having to come out to current friends who had always known me as religious. My main interaction now is with people who never knew me as Mormon. For them it is only about discovering that I don’t believe in any religion, period. And that is a whole different situation. We’ll come to that in a separate post.

Oh, and two articles by Agnostic Mom! And there’s my secret. This book, to be released in April, will feature two of my articles from the Humanist Network News!

I’m going to give you a link to the book on Amazon, but before I do, I’ll let you in on the plan. You can preorder now if you’d like. Or, if you want to try to propel it to the top ten, you can wait until April like many of us are doing when the book is actually released.

There is also a possibility that I may join some of the contributors at the September conference for Atheist Alliance International in Washington D.C. to be on a panel.

Okay, now here is the link to Parenting Beyond Belief.

This post is to answer a question from Jennifer:

I know this question was already raised, but I don’t think answered, who teaches your daughter about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit? (I’m agnostic, just wondering).

I know I have forgotten to answer a lot of questions. If I passed you over and there is something you’re dying to know, try it again and maybe I can get better at this!

But back to Jennifer. Trinity was really young when we left religion (Mormonism). I think she was only two. But believe me when I say I was a good Mormon mom and I ingrained religion into my children from the beginning. This means she had a vague understanding that there was a god who loved her and that when we die we go to Heaven (she was always fearful so this was important to her) and get to be with Jesus and family again.

When my husband and I made that transition of beliefs, we explained to our children that we didn’t believe all the things that Mormons believed; that there were certain things we thought were wrong with religion. The move toward agnosticism with my children was slow and gradual (I declared myself an atheist as soon as I left the Church, but not to my kids). I just couldn’t tell them there is no god or heaven.

My husband and I travel together three times a year and my kids stay with their grandparents. They go to church with them on these weekends. They go for three hours, two of which the kids are in a small class with a teacher and kids their age. The teachers do not adjust their teaching for non-member guest children (for example, “We believe…”). They just state their beliefs as facts and have my children participate as much as possible.

Trinity enjoys these visits to church and takes everything to heart. In addtion to that, our extended families pray at every gathering and there have been religious lessons at some holiday events. It has only been in the last year that I have been more clear and direct that I do not believe there is a god.

Somebody left a comment that expressed an inaccurate understanding of an earlier post. They thought I call my family agnostic because some of us have atheist beliefs and some of us have Christian ones. I want to clarify that that is not what I meant. I call my family agnostic because when my kids ask about religious doctrines, I tell them what various people believe and then say that no one really knows. I tell them no one has actually seen heaven or Jesus. Those who say they know don’t really. I never tell them unequivocally that there is no god.

Trinity’s choice to continue believing has nothing to do with the fact that our family is agnostic. It is significant only because I have chosen to put more emphasis on giving my children confidence in their right to an opinion. I do not consider Trinity a Christian. It is probable that she will eventually grow out of this belief like she’ll grow out of Santa, given the way we raise our kids. At the same time, she is the most emotionally-driven member of the family. Maybe she won’t.

I have not raised my children to be atheists, although I have that natural desire, perhaps biologically evolved, for my children to share my beliefs. My kids did not even know the meaning of the word, “atheist” until a couple of weeks ago (more on that later).

You all know me mainly by my worldview. I realize I am quite vocal on my blog. What else could I be? But in reality, as you would suspect, there is much more to me and my life than my godlessness. And while I teach my children about how to treat people, animals, and the world around us, I spend very little time talking to them about the gods. When that subject comes up, I have usually tried to explain that some people believe this, some people believe that. I often ask them what they believe. I never tell them what I believe (about gods) unless they ask. And they don’t ask often!

This is why it was such a surprise to me when Blake (age eight) announced to his friends that he didn’t believe in God. Of course, I always hoped he would come to that conclusion. But that is just the point. I wanted it to be his conclusion. Trinity (age six), on the other hand, professes to be a believer and we have never made her feel inferior for being one. I expect in time she will come around, anyway.

The important thing to me is that the kids learn critical thinking, that they learn to question things, that they look for evidence when it is needed, and that they are confident in their ability to form their own opinions.

A number of weeks ago we got our issue of Wired magazine, mainly a techie subscription. Blake saw it on the chair and yelled, “Wow, cool!”

My husband asked, “You like the design on the cover?”

Blake answered, “No, I like the topic!”

What was the headline topic that had him so enthralled? “No heaven. No hell. Just science.”

The title of the article is “The New Atheism.” We asked Blake if he knew what atheism is. When he said he didn’t I told him, “It’s when you don’t believe there is a god.”

He yelled again, “That’s us! We don’t believe in God!”

And then Trinity interjected, “I do! I believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.”

So there it is. We are an agnostic family and each child has the right and the information to make his or her own decisions. Of course, we influence them. There is nothing wrong with that. But each child knows we respect their ability to come to their own conclusions.

By the way, if you want to know about the article, it is an excellent one with an atheistic viewpoint. Rare, I know. The writer interviewed Richard Dawkins (evolutionary biologist, but you know that), Sam Harris (neuroscientist who wrote, The End Of Faith), and Daniel Dennett (philosopher). You can find it in the November issue.

The unexpected death of a young person is especially tragic. The wife, sister, and sister-in-law who planned yesterday’s ceremony executed it the way every funeral should be. In my opinion. It was full of stories. Lots and lots of stories. And while this man was religious, and the tone of the funeral reflected his faith appropriately, religion was not the dominant player in this scene. The man who died was.

One of the brothers played an audio tape of my husband’s uncle from when he was just a boy. What a surprise that was. On the tape he talked about all the brothers and sisters, even a cousin, all close family who were present at the funeral. As any child is, he was funny. “And do you know what?” he started every single sentence. “Russ came over today. Sometimes he was good. But sometimes he was bad.”

Knowing Russ as we all do, we had an extra laugh for that statement, which he rephrased at least three times!

My husband’s brother coordinated the life sketch with a slide show of photos. With the exception of the few words from the church leader at the end, all of the talks were stories about the quirky personality, the unique interests, the endearing strengths.

It was a celebration of this man’s life. Not so much what he did, but who he was.

In the days before the funeral, the wife, who I am closer to than the uncle, called to ask if I would participate. “I don’t know where you’re at with the Church,” she said, “but I’d really love it if you would lead the music. I understand if you’re not comfortable.”

I was so glad that she wanted to include me in the program. I love that she was sensitive to my differences with the religion.

Leading the music would mean singing and leading the congregation in song about Jesus, life after death, and a number of other beliefs.

“I’m not a believer,” I confirmed. “But you’re my family. I want to be a part of this.”

I reminded her that none of my dressy clothes agree with the church’s standard of modesty. I wasn’t sure what she or the guests would think of me standing at the front of the chapel in slacks and a top with spagghetti straps (with 115 degree weather, it’s all I buy).

“You know he never cared about stuff like that, Noell. He would have wanted you to just be you. And if that bothers anyone else, I really don’t care. I just want you to lead the music.”

As long as she was happy I was happy. In fact, the only person who dared comment on my non-Mormon attire in the chapel was a fellow ex-Mormon family member. He is one who especially loves to tease.

Not to make such a big deal of what I was wearing! What I am trying to say is that the experience at the funeral reflected this man’s nature of openness, down-to-earth honesty, caring and acceptance for others, and having a firm stand on his principles. At the funeral I reflected on that nature and how it is typical of most every family member, both on my husband’s and my own sides.

So while I often harp on problems I see with religion, it is good to make note of the many, many religious people who want to walk their chosen paths and allow others to do the same. To my husband’s family members who read this: thank you.

If you want an update on the family situation, Gizmo, my puppy, seems to have nothing severe. He tested negative for all the usual problems. His symptoms are probably from allergies. And the lethargic state he adopted was from the allergy medicine we started him on. Since stopping that he has gotten his energy back (although he’s still not eating much). The latest symptom that had scared me was a giant purple-red spot in his skin that surfaced over the weekend. It turns out that is where they drew blood for the tests and it is probably a giant bruise that will fade over the next couple weeks.

That’s the good news.

The other update concerns Trinity. I’m not sure if I mentioned her twenty-five minute fainting episode a few weeks ago. We ran tests in E.R. and went to her pediatrician. Yesterday we got a final verdict from the Neurologist that Trinity had a seizure. The tripping, the falling, the wail of a cry, was part of the seizure. The loss of conscious was the sleepy-state that follows a seizure so the brain can “reboot.” At least that is my understanding from our meeting.

The doctor ordered an EEG (to measure brain waves) and an MRI so that we can rule out the possibility of a tumor. After that, if it all goes as planned (the plan being no tumor!), then we just have to wait and see if she has more seizures. Multiple seizures can develop into Epilepsy.

The fact that she’s had a number of panic experiences since her seizure, where she thought she might do it again, leads the Neurologist to think she may be feeling what they call an “aura.” This is where a seizure is in the introduction stage, the person recognizes the initial feelings, but then the brain successfully overrides it and no seizure follows.

It’s the “aura” thing, the possible tumor, the potential epilepsy, and and the upcoming tests that have me a bit, oh, freaked out. One minute I feel great, and the next minute I can’t concentrate enough to comprehend what someone is saying to me. But I’m pushing ahead and trying to relax enough to give my three babies lots of love.

Thank you all for the wonderful comments and well-wishes. They mean so much to me.

In addition to the routine summer schedule of daily swimming lessons, the kids’ workshop at the two local museums, and all the regular errands, we had five different medical appointments last week. Yes, between the kids, the dog, and myself, I attend medical-related appointments at least once a week. But last week there were five. Five!

All but two were routine. Something is wrong with my cute little dog, the puppy I consider my baby. We have been trying different things to figure out what the problem is. Much of my attention has been on him and not on AgnosticMom-related topics.

Also, I was ready to move away from the topic of death, which has dominated this blog lately. Then my husband’s young uncle died last week. He died at thirty-six years old. He stopped breathing while his wife was out getting medicine for him. So it keeps the topic front and center in my mind. It is hard to fathom someone’s life vanishing with no warning like that. One day you’re sharing dinner with a person at a family gathering. The next week they are gone forever. I am worried about his wife.

And last night I got to remember what it is like to be a new mother. I took one of my sister’s three babies for the night to give her a break. She recently had twins (new siblings to her toddler) and the pregnancy induced congestive heart failure. She is having trouble healing because she can’t get any sleep between the three babies. Can you imagine?

So, I guess I decided to go ahead and throw all of this out at you.

Those of you who have been waiting for Leaving the Church, Part 4 can rest assured that I am beginning to work on that now. I can’t promise it will be out before Tuesday. Trinity goes to the neurologist tomorrow and I plan to take my dog back into the vet for a new bizarre symptom that has surfaced. But I will post it by Tuesday at the latest.

To hold all you ex-Mormons over until then, let me introduce you to C.L. Hanson, author of a new book I will be writing a review for called, ExMormon. She just started writing her own deconversion story and you can read part one here. If that isn’t enough for you, go to her post here to see a list of other Mormon deconversion stories.

And if you’re interested in reading something other than Mormon-related stuff, Hanson also wrote a post that has to do with my earlier entry about how our current culture has become safer for children than in the past. She has very interesting theories on why that is so and outlines some even more interesting ideas for what that it means regarding sex and birth control.

Now I have your attention, don’t I?

And one last note to Dan, if you are still out there. Unless something else pressing comes up, I will soon post my entry regarding the implications of materialist philosophy that you requested. No, I haven’t forgotten.

I envy Europeans in cities where walking is a life-style. I would love for my town to adopt biking as a major mode of transportation, the way Amsterdam has done.

Let me name a few benefits off the top of my head. . . better health, cleaner air, and lower stress levels. Those are just the obvious ones.

In the United States, we did not make ourselves a walking/bicycling society. But given the current climate of social, political, and health trends, maybe now is the time to train a generation of bicycle-commuters.

Last Mother’s Day my husband gave me the gift of my dreams. We went to the bike shop and equipped the entire family with bikes (as much as my three-year-old wanted a bike, and as much as he surprised us by riding circles around the store, we attached a trailer to my bike for him to sit in).

Every weekend we go out together. I take the lead, the kids follow me, and Dad monitors from behind. We leave our neighborhood and cross the major road which leads to an elementary school parking lot, where Dad teaches the kids bicycle tricks, or we go to a greenbelt with sidewalks that wind around. On the way we teach the kids the rules of the road:

1. The side of the road to ride on.
2. Hand signals.
3. Right-of-Way.
4. General traffic rules.

During the week when my husband leaves early to work, I take the kids around the neighborhood. Since Dad is not here to watch from behind, I take up the rear and my eight-year-old son gets to play the leader. Because of this we have always stayed within our own neighborhood and avoided the major road.

I was so proud recently when, after only a few weeks of this practice, I felt Blake was ready to lead us across the main road to the other side. It was a risky venture, but we tried it and succeeded! He did great! We are now one step further in my plan to raise a generation of bicycle-commuters.

We will keep practicing through the summer and then I will take the next step forward when the kids are back to school. I’ll leave the comfort of these two neighborhoods and begin biking my youngest to preschool. I have already made a practice trip to verify the route is bicycle friendly.

Next I will begin making my way down the major roads to learn which have bike paths. I will start training myself to commute to the coffee shop, the scrapbook store, the grocery, and wherever else I think I can ride to. In the meantime I am making note of which roads have bike-paths and which shopping centers have places to hook up the bikes.

Once I’m comfortable biking around my town, my husband and I will start leading the kids around. We’ll teach them how to commute. And we’ll start commuting as a family to our favorite places.

My major goal is for the family to bike the two-and-a-half miles from our house to Tropical Smoothie. We’ll rest for a nice, cold drink, and then ride back home again.

So what do you think? Will you join me in my mission to raise a new generation of bicycle-commuters? Do you think we can transform the American way of getting from Point A to Point B? It doesn’t require a move to Amsterdam. It is a choice.

And if my dream to see bicycling become mainstream is unrealistic it will not take away from the benefits and my own pleasure at being a bicycle commuter. Even if it means being a lone one.

AgnosticMom debuts in the Christian Science Monitor! Uhh, probably not.

The great Duncan Crary from the Humanist Network News sends me PR leads pretty regularly. A few of them are exciting and as they go through (rather, if they go through) I will continue to announce them here. Some of them are more experimental. Like the one from Christian Science.

One of the writers for the Christian Science Monitor put out a query on how summer time for children has changed from when we were kids. Well, I was already planning to write a post on the subject and, not knowing if they’d want to hear from an agnostic humanist, we decided to see what would happen if I sent the writer an email with a description of my thoughts:

I have been comparing my own childhood to that of my three children lately. When I was a kid the mantra was, “Go outside and get some sun!” We played outside all day! Riding bikes, exploring the neighborhood (including its canals and sewer systems), harassing the other homeowners, and who knows what else.

Although I currently live in a much safer neighborhood than the one I grew up in, I don’t dare let my kids, including my 8-year-old son, go out without me.

Their great-grandmother and my own mother always tell me, “You just can’t let the kids out these days. It’s not like it used to be.”

Well, I don’t think that is the reason. I don’t think we were any safer way back then than we are now. I think we are just more aware.

So, yes, this has effected the way my children spend their long summer days out of school. There are two major differences. Our days are scheduled with structured activities, and we spend a lot more time together as a family, instead of the kids spending the days with their friends.

It is that second difference that I have really been thinking about. In order for my kids to go out and play, I take them outside to the park and we all go, whether each one wants to go or not.

One difficulty this brought me was that my oldest son couldn’t go riding on his bike. We solved that dilemma with a slightly expensive, yet healthy solution. We all got bikes. Since my youngest is a toddler and can’t ride, we attached a trailer to my bike for him.

Almost every morning I take my kids out biking in the neighborhood or hiking through trails. Every day we have swimming lessons. We have summer camps at museums and activities with our local moms organization.

While it would be nice to send the kids out to “go get some sun!” especially since it would give me a little peace and quiet, I don’t mind giving up that privilege. Not only are my children safer, we are a closer family.

The writer liked what I had to say and called me for a short interview.

The tone of the resulting article surprised me a bit. She painted me as a little more nostalgic and sentimental toward my childhood summers than I actually am. I am nostalgic, but it sounds like I regret the changes. Really the major point I wanted to make was that while people like to mourn the loss of past innocence, our society is actually a safer place now than before. And our current lifestyle can be more family-friendly.

This was not my own article though. And I can’t complain since she quoted me in the beginning, the middle, and the end. Knowing I am an agnostic writer.

The main disappointment is that she didn’t publish my credentials, which I listed at the very beginning of my email. I hoped she would mention HNN, ClubMom, and my blog. But she didn’t. So it really wasn’t a PR opportunity after all.

Oh well. The good news is that people are interested in what I have to say. It’s good to know I am quotable.

On to other things!

Richard Dawkins had an interesting idea for combatting this. In a lecture called, Science, Delusion And The Appetite For Wonder, he cited a clarinet teacher who told Dawkins that his only memory of science in school was “a long period of studying the Bunsen burner.” This rings true in my case, too. With the exception of a few occasional moments in biology classes, I found science to be completely intolerable to my artistic-leaning mind.

My newer adult fascination and interest in science convinces me that my science education backfired. The potential to grab my interest was there. The educators failed to take advantage of it.

And this was Dawkins’ point when he mentioned the clarinet teacher.

Now, you can enjoy the Mozart concerto without being able to play the clarinet. You can be a discerning and informed concert critic without being able to play a note. . . Couldn’t we treat science in the same way? Yes, we must have Bunsen burners and dissecting needles for those drawn to advanced scientific practice. But perhaps the rest if us could have separate classes in science appreciation, the wonder of science, scientific ways of thinking, and the history of scientific ideas, rather than laboratory experience.

Who do we approach to advance Dawkins’ idea of Science Appreciation classes? I think this might have done it for me!

Here is another analogy. My son, Aiden, has a fear of water. A life-long fear. Two different swim teachers who dunked him against his will, along with a near-drowning experience last October, exacerbated the fear. Now that summer time is here he is in swimming lessons again. While most of his class spends half the time learning swimming skills, Aiden and a few other water-shy students stay in the baby pool playing fun games with the purpose of getting them comfortable with the water. They are learning to associate it with fun.

There is no purpose in teaching Aiden the technicality of swimming if all he can think about is his fear that the water will approach his upper body.

But this is exactly the ineffective approach many of the schools take. They teach all kinds of technical lessons before students have learned to associate any meaning to it. Even if the student is able to memorize the lessons well enough to get good grades in the class, the student must have a real interest and understand the significance for it to last in the long-term memory.

In fact, I have a confession to make. When I took the ACT (the university I sought after, and went to, did not use the SAT), I did not recognize a single question in the science section. The only science class I took in all of high school was the required sophomore biology class. If there were any biology questions on the ACT, I did not recognize them.

I shut the book and colored in random circles.

Thankfully I did well on the other sections and my average score was high.

But now here I am, 15 years later, and one of my favorite subjects to read and blog about is science. All I needed was a reason to make it meaningful to me.

We are wasting time and driving away interest by having the schools teach technical science without first instilling an appreciation for, and a positive association to, science.

At least, as parents, we can work on doing this ourselves. Dawkins gave an example of a fun science-fascination activity to do with the kids.

To show how real astronomical wonder can be presented to children, I’ll borrow from a book called “Earthsearch” by John Cassidy, which I brought back from America to show my daughter Juliet. Find a large open space and take a soccer ball to represent the sun. Put the ball down and walk ten paces in a straight line. Stick a pin in the ground. The head of the pin stands for the planet Mercury. Take another 9 paces beyond Mercury and put down a peppercorn to represent Venus. Seven paces on, drop another peppercorn for Earth. One inch away from earth, another pinhead represents the Moon, the furthest place, remember, that we’ve so far reached. 14 more paces to little Mars, then 95 paces to giant Jupiter, a ping-pong ball. 112 paces further, Saturn is a marble. No time to deal with the outer planets except to say that the distances are much larger. But, how far would you have to walk to reach the nearest star, Proxima Centauri? Pick up another soccer ball to represent it, and set off for a walk of 4200 miles. As for the nearest other galaxy, Andromeda, don’t even think about it!

Don’t your kids love these types of activities? Just the attention from the parents and a family outing experience is positive enough for children. Combine that with a sense of wonder about the mysteries of the universe and you have an experience that may spark a reason for the child to learn the science behind it.

To go along with Dawkins’ activity, I found this page on a website, (thanks to a flippant, funny, and irreverent atheist blog called The WorldWide Rant) that demonstrates a comparison of sizes between the planets and suns. Blake thought it was pretty cool.

Show the web page to your kids, do Dawkins’ activity over the weekend, and come back here to tell me about it.

If you ask my son what his favorite holiday is, he’ll tell you it’s Christmas. Then he’ll tell you that his second favorite is Darwin Day.

What is Darwin Day? It is a “global celebration of Science and Humanity.” Charles Darwin’s birthday is on February twelfth. There is a giant movement to make this day an “International Celebration to show our appreciation for the enormous benefits that scientific knowledge, acquired through human curiosity and ingenuity, has contributed to the advancement of humanity” (this reference is from www.darwinday.org, the official site for the international recognition of Darwin Day).

Why single out Charles Darwin for the celebration of what science has offered us? An article on the website of Rutgers University had an articulate answer to this question. The article is called, Why is Evolution Important in Teaching, Science, and Society? (Dobzhansky, T. 1973) and contains the subtitle, “Nothing in Biology Makes Sense Except in the Light of Evolution.”

Here is a summation of why:

“Evolution is the central theory of life. An understanding of evolutionary process and evidence is necessary for considering, not only the history of living things, but also many modern questions. For example; Why should we be concerned with a bird-flu epidemic? Why is HIV so difficult to treat? How does research on lab rats apply to humans? How did humans evolve from apelike ancestors? What is the best strategy for delaying the onset of pesticide resistance? Increasingly evolutionary understanding is required for appreciating basic questions in fields traditionally apart from basic biology and anthropology. Major areas of psychology, philosophy, computer sciences, and other fields now require a solid grounding in evolutionary thinking.”

What better cause have we to celebrate? I hope that the religious and non-religious alike will recognize the benefits that Darwin’s work has given us and join us in the celebration.

A goal of the Darwin Day movement is to build momentum and increase the number of celebrants and celebrations until the year 2009, when it will be Darwin’s 200th birthday, and the 150th anniversary of his book, On the Origins of Species.

How do we celebrate Darwin’s Day? If you go onto the website, www.darwinday.org, you can click on the events page which contains a world-wide list with links, ranked by country alphabetically (U.S. celebrations are toward the bottom under “U”).

Most events have speakers. A humanist organization in my hometown has had fish at a seafood restaurant (as in the Darwin fish). The organization pushing the Darwin Day movement describes having a “Phylum Feast”, a feast with an enormous variety of meats from various phylum.

Some groups celebrate for one day, on the actual birthday. Others extend the celebration out for the entire week.

As a mom who wants her kids to grow up with an appreciation for science and an understanding of evolution and our origins, I have created our own tradition of celebrating that is both fun and educational.

We have a five to six night celebration over the dinner hour. Our celebration centers on the book, The Tree Of Life: The Wonders Of Evolution by Ellen Jackson. Our meals over the evenings represent the various stages of life forms as Jackson outlines them in her books. I decorate the table according the the life form we are focusing on (two evenings take place under the sea, one has to do with dinosaurs, etc) and we quiz the kids with questions and evolution trivia throughout the meal. Each meal ends with a surprise treat that has to do with the life forms for that evening.

Mark your calendar for February twelfth and join us as we celebrate the advancement of humanity through scientific discovery!

Happy upcoming Darwin Day!

I am convinced that all religious people experience cognitive dissonance at multiple points in their lives. This is where a belief we regard as truth does not match up with the reality we are witnessing or experiencing. During the time that Israel contemplated the truthfulness of our religion, cognitive dissonance became the pesky telemarketer who failed to take my name off the calling list.

For two weeks I watched Israel read scriptures and search for an answer. And yet, after the two weeks were over, he was more sure than ever that he was not a believer.

I never imagined he wouldn’t get the answer he was supposed to. God had promised to answer prayers about the truthfulness of his church. It didn’t happen this time.

Cognitive Dissonance.

Now we had to decide what to do about Israel’s nonbelief. I was suddenly reeling at the idea of him not baptizing our children or attending their temple weddings. And what would it be like for the kids to grow up with one of those “inactive” dads?

If there was one thing religion taught me how to do, it was to use guilt to manipulate. I reminded Israel that despite what he believes now, I married him with the understanding that we were going to be a Mormon family. He couldn’t just walk away from that.

We agreed that he would continue to go to church. Meanwhile, the doubts that had crept into my heart years earlier began to bear their ugly teeth at me. The more I read from the scriptures, the more contradictions I saw. It’s not that the contradictions were new. It’s just that I had always told myself that God would someday explain it all to me. I compartmentalized every contradiction into its own individual hiding place in my brain, all to come rushing out at the same time when God didn’t answer Israel’s prayers.

Extreme Cognitive Dissonance.

I began my own effort to receive an answer from God that The Church was true. I didn’t realize at that time that it was too late. My paradigm had shifted. For the first time ever I had already peeked through Door #2, the door marked “It’s Not True!!!” Once you’ve looked through that door, going back is like trying to pretend that Santa is real once you know he’s not.

It would be a year before I was willing to give up, though.

Just a month or two into this life-changing phase, we moved to Scottsdale, Arizona to be closer to Israel’s job. We attended church the first Sunday. Israel came with us, as usual. Sitting in the chapel that day was a pivotal moment for me. Israel dislikes church hymns, but you would never know it for the zeal with which he sings them!

I kept looking from him to the bishopric on the stand. They were ecstatic at seeing a new family. A family of four. With a husband who loves the hymns! As soon as the meeting concluded the entire bishopric was at our seat, introducing themselves and sizing us up for new callings (volunteer positions).

At that moment I knew I shouldn’t have Israel going if he didn’t believe. On the way home I told him I preferred it if he stopped accompanying us to church.

For months I would become the mom who had “the courage” to bring her two little ones to church on her own.

Part 3 to come.

Are you wondering why?

It’s not because this local Mesa blogger is obtaining new writing opportunities.
It’s not because of any activist involvement on my part.
It’s not about my agnostic/secular viewpoints at all.

It is because I use an ottoman for a coffee table.

That’s right. You heard me. Trinity has been calling herself famous because the Tribune has an interest in coffee tables, especially our ottoman-coffee table. They’re so interested that they interviewed me on the phone, came to my home, and took 50 pictures.

“Well, right now my kids are playing poker on it,” says Noell Hyman, a Mesa mother of three, before she reminds her chidlren to wipe their hands before continuing the game.

The sand-colored ottoman in the Hymans’ living room is upholstered in microfiber, a highly stain- and kid-resistant material. Which is good for days like today, or other days when 3-year-old Aiden plays marbles on the ottoman while eating Oreos.

“Stains wash off really well,” says Hyman.

When Blake, 8, Trinity, 6, and Aiden aren’t playing games on the ottoman, it can easily be transformed into a more adult version of a coffee table by placing a tray on top to hold drinks or hors d’oeuvres when Hyman and her husband, Israel, have company.

The couple purchased the ottoman after they had kids, fearing that a coffee table made of wood or another harder materiral would pose a danger for toddling youngsters.

“I didn’t want my kids falling on hard corners of a wood coffee table when they were learning to walk,” says Hyman.

But she said she was surprised at how versatile the ottoman turned out to be. Now, Hyman says her favorite part about the piece is its addition to family movie night.

“We can pull it right up to the couch, so a few of us can snuggle and stretch out like it’s a bed.”

Did I really call it a couch? Ahem, it’s a sofa.

Note: If any of you live in the East Valley of Phoenix, you can find this article on page H4, the At Home section of the May 20th (Saturday) paper.

We went out for breakfast, ordered too much food (an indication of a great time) and then we all went to the courts to play tennis. After that Israel revealed his surprise gift. Israel always gives me the biggest, best, most thoughtful gifts. This year he fulfilled a marriage-long dream: we went to the bicycle shop and bought bikes for every member of the family (Aiden got a trailer that hooks to mine or Israel’s bikes).

It took a while for us to pick out just the right types of bikes for four different people. Meanwhile, Aiden, who just turned three, surprised us all by riding around the store on a bike with training wheels built for six and seven-year-old’s. It’s amazing what you find your kids can do.

After Israel installed the bike rack on the CRV, we loaded up the bikes and headed over to Tropical Smoothie for lunch. I had a low-fat smoothie and an incredible sandwich, Chipotle Chicken with roasted bell peppers. The kids ate half of it.

Israel had a presentation due Monday morning and had planned to go into the office for a couple of hours Sunday, forgetting that Sunday was also the Mother’s Day he had so carefully planned. This is where “great” turned to “dreadful.”

He dropped us off at home where the dog, Gizmo, greeted me with his own gift. Two, actually. While we were gone he consumed an entire brown crayon. At what point in the meal does a dog figure out that a crayon isn’t edible? In my dog’s case, it is when he vomits it in two neat piles.

At least crayon-vomit is odorless. It’s almost like soft clay.

I gave the kids, oh, at least eight warnings not to step on the vomit. I wasn’t too worried because they were busy giving Gizmo some new chew snacks. After cleaning up the mess of the first pile, I left to get a new rag to clean up the second pile. And that is where I saw them: two big spots of clumpy crayon-brown by Trinity’s door, next to Trinity’s feet where she was walking into her bedroom. In increments of discovery I found about twenty more spots leading back to the place where the second pile of vomit awaited me. Trinity had stepped in it. I now had a trail of vomit to clean.

After calling Israel to gripe about the sudden turn my day had taken, after cleaning twenty piles of chunky goo, Aiden informed me that Gizmo had thrown up again. I guess his stomach was not yet ready for his new treats. Once I got that cleaned up, Aiden had his own bathroom needs, and I found myself, once again, on my hands and knees, cleaning the floor where Aiden missed the toilet.

When I tucked Blake into bed that night ,(Israel now home) Blake told me that I was “sure yelling a lot on Mother’s Day.” I gave him another little taste of guilt when I reminded him how he stepped on my suede purse earlier after I pointed out its location and asked him to be sure not to step on it.

No, yesterday was not a shining moment in my career of motherhood.

Thankfully it returned to the greatness it started with. Israel and I lounged on the couch together, watching HBO’s Big Love where we got to witness the benefits of sisterhood that comes along with polygamy. I love that show.

I was able to start over today with a bit more patience and kindness around the kids. Aiden tested me with his new three-year-old defiance. Trinity and I did more reading than usual. And Blake told me he felt he should stop watching the cartoon, Naruto (that ninja one I mentioned in my HNN article) because it was becoming more and more violent and he wasn’t comfortable with it.

Right now I am out blogging on my front yard (thank-technology for wireless Internet and laptops), watching my kids across the street play at the neighborhood park. I just got up to help Blake out of an interesting predicament. I looked up to see him hanging upside down from the play equipment with his tennis shoe stuck in the rungs, and his head hovering a foot above the sand.

Aiden has added two undesirable words to his vocabulary. So far I have tried giving him explanations about the inappropriateness of the words, I have separated him from the rest of the family when he insists on using them, and I have tried ignoring it. Nothing has worked. In fact, he thought it was really funny to use his new vocabulary with his teacher. He told her, “You’re Poo-poo!”

Nice.

On the other hand, he tells me at random times throughout the day, “I love you, Mama.” When we drop the kids off at school he says, “I miss Blake and Trin.” Mostly good words come from that sweet boy’s mouth. Is he any different than any other three-year-old? Well, yes. He’s cuter.

I admit that with our crazy schedule, I have neglected to introduce the alphabet (except the song) to Aiden. He just turned three and it suddenly occurred to me that I should get him an ABC book when my sister told me her toddler, not yet two, can identify most of the letters. Coincidentally, my mom brought him one when she came into town Friday. To my delight, he opened the book and asked first about the Letter A, rather than the accompanying pictures. He’s ready to learn.

Trinity, six years old, sucks her thumb, despite the dentist’s and my own admonitions. She tells me all the time that she didn’t suck all night. But I still catch her.

She loves pretty things and pretty people. She has only just recently taken to heart the idea that some pretty people can also be mean. And some not-so pretty people can be very good, fun, and smart.

Trinity loves to take care of other people and animals. She’s one of those extraordinary people who LOVES to share. She enjoys the feeling of sharing something with others more than she enjoys the actual thing she could have kept to herself.

Trinity is an artist and she expresses it with her creative clothing designs, her visual artwork, her singing and dancing.

Two days ago she asked about a book she found in the garage. Blake told her it was a Bible. “What’s a Bible?” she asked.

Blake is more complicated. I realized he could understand deep and abstract concepts at only two years old. He is a thinker. In fact, when I had my third child, I noticed the world could fall apart all around Blake, and he wouldn’t notice. He was in his own world. Our toddling baby could have been screaming with something fallen on top of him, and Blake would be right there unaware of it all. What has surprised me most is that in this past year, Blake has somehow learned to be more aware of others around him. He no longer sits oblivious to siblings in need, but has become very helpful and compassionate.

I love that Blake takes responsibility for his choices. He acknowledges them, tries to figure out why he made them, and apologizes right away. He is so mature.

Two days ago the school sent a letter home stating that Blake’s teacher recommended him for the gifted program and they would like to begin testing him next week. Blake excels in every subject. Each week his teacher gives him five of his own spelling words to match his learning level. As opposed to words like, “we’ll” and “they’ll”, Blake gets words like “collaboration” “chronological” and “Afghanistan.” A few weeks ago Blake begged the teacher to give him the longest word he’d ever heard: “antidisestablishmentarianism.” She refused the first week, but when he kept on her the next week, she relented. Of course, he got it right on the test. And he taught the word to his babysitter.

Okay, so I am bragging a bit. All three of my kids are awesome. They don’t have religion, but they do have goodness. They don’t have doctrine, but they have ideas. They’re pretty great kids.

The last thing I expected when I got married was to face the possibility of giving up Santa and the Easter Bunny. Deny my future children the magic of believing in those imaginary characters? Staying up late into the night, hoping to catch a glimpse of what no child has seen before. Knowing that the most popular person in the world thinks of you every year. The truth is, I knew they weren’t real for one or two years before I finally admitted it to myself. I made the joy last as long as I could.

My husband’s siblings, though, did not grow up “being lied to,” as they put it. My mother-in-law insists that learning about Santa devastated her as a child. She felt her mother betrayed her trust and lied to her. While some of the family members are still staunch against the tradition, a few of the others agreed to go along with their spouses, including my own husband.

With Easter only days away, I thought this a good time to discuss the topic. One question that enters the minds of some young atheist and agnostic parents is whether or not to have Santa and the Easter Bunny, if you decide to celebrate those holidays at all. How do we justify giving our children the fantasy of an Easter Bunny while denying them the security of a Jesus?

I love Santa and the Easter Bunny. I cannot imagine my childhood without those wonderful nights of exhilarating anticipation. They brought a joy that only Disneyland could match. Discovering they were not real did no damage to my psyche. It was more like discovering the secret to a great magic trick.

Having considered my mother-in-law’s experience, I set up a number of guidelines regarding the fantasy characters that grace our holidays. Hopefully, the use of these guidelines will not only prevent the rare devastation that a handful of children feel. They will demonstrate the difference between imagination and reality; between our perceptions and the facts, between the stories humans tell and the actual truths they represent.

First, parents need to take into consideration the child’s character. For example, my mother-in-law has an inner drive to get her facts accurate. In her mind, you don’t move forward on something without first verifying each detail. Most children are not this way, which is why most children walk away from their Santa beliefs with a smile and a tradition to pass on to their children. If you, yourself, are more like my mother-in-law, then you can guess that some of your children are likely to be the same way, as well. If this is the case with you, then you may consider banning Santa and the Easter Bunny altogether. But I think revealing the truth at a younger-than-average-age is also an option.

Age, in general, is another factor to consider. For most children, somewhere between six and eight is a good time. Part of the devastation, when it happens, is because the child has been defending Santa’s existence to friends. It is socially humiliating for an older child to learn they have been asserting something that everyone else knew was wrong. A good way to know it is time to reveal the secret is when the child asks you directly, “Is Santa real?”

So how do we make the Santa/Bunny scenario work to our advantage as atheists and agnostics? I figured it out as I was trying to avoid my mother-in-law’s mishap of my children perceiving us as lying. I made a decision at the beginning that I would not tell elaborate stories of how Santa gets his belly down the chimney or how the bunny gets those baskets into the house.

When my oldest son, Blake, starting asking these questions, I replied with my most common of all replies, “What do you think?” I encouraged Blake to think the problems through. The Santa/Bunny scenario provides an opportunity for both critical thinking and imaginary play. At the younger ages, imagination really goes to work. As they get older, they adopt critical thinking. As skepticism creeps into the questions, you know revelation time is near.

I prefer to wait until the child asks straight out, “Is Santa really real?” With many children, like myself and my first child, the desire to believe hangs on longer than the actual belief. We should allow them to believe for as long as they want. But when they want the truth, parents must give it.

And how do we handle the truth? We could say, “No, Santa and the Easter Bunny aren’t real.” But I don’t think that answer demonstrates the reality, nor the reason for the stories. As Joseph Campbell taught, humans have always couched real principles into stories we tell over and over and pass on through generations. Santa and the Easter Bunny are stories of life, love, and the joy of giving. Parents are Santa to kids in ways they won’t understand until they become parents themselves. Like the Easter Bunny, parents bring life and hope to their children.

So when it comes time to answer the golden question, a more meaningful reply is, “Do you know who Santa is? Mom and Dad are Santa and the Easter Bunny.”

Parents can use this revealing of truth to explain how humans are a story-telling people. We have always told stories to express ideas. Some stories generate more belief and conviction than others. The Bible is a compilation of stories which many people have come to believe as literally true. Santa is a good analogy of how people want to believe in the stories of gods. Most stories have an amount of truth within them, as well as an amount of embellishment.

I finally told my oldest child the truth before Christmas last year as he was turning eight years old. When the day ended, I asked Blake if Christmas felt different now that he knows Mom and Dad are Santa. He told me that maybe it did a little. But that somehow, seeing the unwrapped Santa gifts, and going along with the game for the younger siblings, the magic still felt real.

Anticipating St. Patrick’s Day this year as a blogger, I decided to actually learn about the holiday. Maybe there would be some interesting connection I could make between luck, superstition, Christianity, and secularism.

It turns out the original holiday had nothing to do with leprechauns or pots of gold. What did the holiday celebrate? The man, St. Patrick, single-handedly converted the people of Ireland from Paganism to Christianity. He used the Shamrock, a three-leafed, clover to teach about the concept of the Trinity (where did the four-leaf clover idea come from? I remember searching entire yards for four-leafed clovers!).

Apparently Ireland had its tradition of leprechauns, but they had no relation to St. Patrick’s Day until Disney associated the two concepts in a movie (wouldn’t you know?). While I’m sure there is more I could report about this holiday, I lost interest as soon as I learned it was strictly a holy day to celebrate the country’s conversion to Christianity.

Rather than talk more about origins, I’m blogging about my “Luck” today. In this case, a luck of the draw when it comes to In-Laws.

Would you feel lucky if, when you “came out” to your In-Laws, they told you they respected you? If they offered to never try to convert your children (their grandchildren) to religion? If they reassured you they wouldn’t sneak their own beliefs to the kids?

I am lucky.

Would you consider yourself lucky if your In-Laws enjoyed (at least partially) reading your agnostic blog, which often rants about religion? Even the religion of those same In-Laws? What if your father-in-law (Jerry) advised his now agnostic daughter (Sadie) to start reading your blog? Wouldn’t you feel lucky? Lucky to have such reasonable In-Laws, that is?

Can you imagine how lucky I feel that my mother-in-law (Debbie) recently sent me an email with a compilation of her thoughts in response to my blog? She introduced it by saying:

I never know for sure how to respond to things, especially when I am emotionally involved. My feelings can be raw and emotional when I first think of them, so I find it therapeutic to write them down. This time I did it in the form of a letter to you. I decided that I should send them to you because you are so objective and interested in differing opinions. If you would like to quote or comment on anything I wrote here, be my guest. I only hope that you know that, regardless of what either one of us believe, you are important to me and I want to have/ keep a good relationship with you.

From Debbie’s explanations of certain things, I realized she worried that I resented her; resented her for taking the kids to church when we leave them with her to go out of town. We are lucky that she revealed her worries so I could clear it up. Taking them to church is only what I expect. She has to go to church. She has my kids. Therefore, my kids go to church. Israel and I are lucky to get away a few times a year.

But do you know what else makes me so lucky? I don’t think I can possibly have more supportive In-Laws. Tell me I did not find my pot of gold when I married into this family. Debbie said:

You see my emotions here, I’m sure – gladness, comfort, joy, sadness, pain, wonder, and gratitude. Life is only worth living if we can feel and share these feelings with others… to love and be loved… to know that there are people who will stand by you no matter what.

I stand by you, Noell. I love you

Later she left a message on my phone telling me she thought it is wonderful that I blog the way I do, and encouraged me to “keep blogging.”

How can you get more lucky than that?

(Note to Father-in-Law: Happy birthday!)

Do you point out “In God We Trust” on coins and make an issue of it with children? How do you tell your children to react when they go to school and are asked to pledge allegiance to “one nation, under God”?

I prefer to pick my god-battles, and a statement of supernatural diety on our coins is not one of them. I won’t be pointing it out, and if my children ever ask me about it, I would just explain that our country has a religious majority and a history of both religion and Deism.

I already have two children in school, and they do say the Pledge of Allegiance. Remember, my kids still figure there is an existing god, although whatever that god is like in their minds, they can’t possibly feel it is a great significance in their life. I guess I am approaching the Existence-of-God topic the same way we approach the sex-subject: Give honest answers as their questions come up or as our experiences point in that direction, and in the amounts that they seem ready to digest.

At some point I will teach them the history of The Pledge and how the “Under God” phrase was added in in 1954 I will ask them, “How do you think it made many Americans,who believe in more than one god, feel?” And, “What message did that send to all the families who don’t even believe in a god at all?”

Rather than push an issue onto my kids, I prefer to follow their lead on this. If they want to say The Pledge, they’ll continue to say it. If at some point they want to opt out, I’ll be happy to inform their teachers. If they want to write letters to the local newspaper, the school, or the school board, I’ll help them find the addresses and proof-read their letters. But these actions would stem their own desires, not mine.

I personally would not turn what might be MY issue into my children’s issue, placing a burden on them for a stand they might not be passionate about. The Pledge is an issue I would prefer to let my children decide on their own when they are older.

How should they react when asked to pray for a friend or relative?

Usually a person asks others to pray for them because they are in great distress. I do not feel this is a time to voluntarily vocalize a disbelief in the very thing the distressed person is relying on for help. At the same time we must maintain personal intregity. An appropriate response is, “I am sorry for your difficulties. You will definitely be in my thoughts.”

Rarely would it extend beyond that, but if the person wanted to press the issue, get an actual prayer commitment, then an explanation with an offer for actual help (if applicable) should be enough. “I’m sorry, but I don’t practice prayer or religion. But I would love to help out by (fill in the blank).” I would teach my children to respond the same way.

“I was envisioning a situation wherein you might be at someone’s home for dinner and before the meal, someone says, “Shall we thank God for this food?” and one of your children “blurts out, “We don’t believe in God”" Of course it could be any situation in which someone wishes to invoke some type of reference to God.”

We experience prayer situations a couple of times a month when we have dinner with my in-laws. Two thirds of the family bow their heads and close their eyes, while a third of us (my husband and I are not the only ones who don’t participate for various reasons) stand there quietly watching the group. And sometimes Israel and I wink at each other.

Once in a while the kids fool around and we have to remind them to be quiet while others are praying. That is precisely how I would have my kids behave in all situations in others’ homes or churches while they pray; to give others respect by allowing them to pray without making a scene.

I think respect is the key. Not respect for religion, but respect for other people and their choice to believe in it. Some very intelligent and well-educated people are religious. Also, people we love, like our extended family members, are religious.

As another example, in the Mormon religion, the phrase, “Oh my God,” is almost as offensive as the F-bomb. It can be jolting to the senses for many Mormons. We teach our children not to say it for their grandparents’ sakes. I told them that even though it doesn’t mean anything to us, and so many of their friends say it, we would prefer they don’t because it would really hurt their grandparents if they accidentally said it around them out of habit. It is just our request, not an order. They don’t get in trouble when it comes out by accident.

On the other hand, if my children ever blurt out, “We don’t believe in God,” I can’t imagine being worried about it unless they did it in a manner to make fun of someone else who does. I think I would just smile.

Here is a variation on the subject of prayer and references to God: Blake has a best friend named Zach. Zach spent the night at our house once. When it was time for them to go to bed, I heard Zach telling Blake that they had to say their prayers. Blake told him, “I don’t pray,” but Zach became insistent that Blake wouldn’t go to heaven if he didn’t pray. And Blake was insistent that he doesn’t pray, but he couldn’t get Zach to leave him alone.

I poked my head into the room and said, “Zach, it’s really nice that you want to say your prayers. Our family doesn’t believe you have to pray to go to heaven,” (I said this to reassure my son), “but I understand your family does, so you should go ahead and say your prayers. Don’t worry about Blake.”

So far these types of situations have not caused my children any anxiety. Blake is very confident with how we choose to live our lives. And while we have giggled at a few religious beliefs (he thought it funny that the Bible says God made Eve from one of Adam’s ribs), I have never seen him show disrespect for other people’s choices to worship.

I have one more question to address, regarding Easter, which I will do in a Part 2 post.

You know, I listen to my parents’ stories about how “the Spirit is leading my mom in her church lessons” or how “God blessed my sister” by providing her with a free fridge through her husband’s construction job. And I always put myself back in my old Mormon world, congratulating them and telling them how wonderful their god-filled experiences are. They know I don’t actually believe in that world anymore, but I put myself in their shoes during these conversations out of respect and civility. I almost never even show them my own shoes, let alone ask them to try them on.

But I don’t want it to seem like I am hiding parts of my life either. This was, in fact, their wish (no, it was their demand) when I outed myself. They wanted everything on the table. As long as they were the only ones dining. None of my siblings would be allowed.

I have a blog. I am starting a new column. It is Agnostic. To reveal this news a year or so after the fact would have consequences.

So what was my mother’s reaction? Not outrageous. I think we’re beyond outrageous reactions by now (although, SHE was not the source of them. She was calm, thank goodness). Her reaction this time was a sudden drop on the Enthusiasm Dial.

Before I told her my news, we had been discussing other non-related family achievements. She rejoiced with me in some of the other exciting things happening with my husband and children. Her voice was in that high range that announces great joy.

So I took my opportunity. “Well, you know what else? I have been writing a blog for about six months for other families like mine, who don’t have the benefits of a church community.” I kept it as positive as possible. “And an editor of an E-zine noticed it and liked it. They asked me to write a monthly column for them!!”

My mom, suddenly quiet, all signs of excitement vanished, asked, “What is the column called?”

“AgnosticMom. The E-zine is the Humanist News Network. Do you know what Humanism is?”

“Yeah!” Her voice-inflection shouted, Do I ever know what that is! Why, I oughta . . .

But that’s not what she said. She said, “Yeah! It’s about taking God out of the picture and giving all credit to humans.”

Ok, so now I am aware she already has a negative association to the worldview I find so beautiful and uplifting. I let the conversation die out. She was happy for a change of topic.

There was no, “Congratulations! I don’t agree with your beliefs, but congratulations.”

Nothing like, “Wow, I didn’t know you write.”

Not even an, “I wish you weren’t spreading evil, honey, but it’s amazing that other people are interested in your thoughts.”

I don’t want to complain. I am counting my fortunes that my family is as gracious as it is.

And I understand. She was probably in shock. Maybe after she’s had time to digest my announcement she will be able to congratulate me on my next success. I just wish she didn’t have to be so sad.

Sunday
Elementary age: Read Tree Of Life
Junior High and High School Age: Read parts of Evolution: Eye Witness
(AgnosticMom reader, Ed Darrell, suggested this book and it looks great!).

First Phase of evolutionary life: shellfish, jellyfish, worms

Dinner:
Very Involved Version: A smorgasboard of shellfish: shrimp, lobster, oysters
Simpler Version: Shrimp Dinner

After Dinner Treat: Gummi-worms (I will be putting them in cute bags on their plates).

Monday-Second Phase of evolutionary life: fish
Dinner: Fish! Use a recipe that keeps the fish whole.

After Dinner Treat: Swedish Fish or Gummi-whales

Tuesday-Third Phase of evolutionary life: the new existence of plant life on the ground makes it possible for some sea life to grow legs and crawl out of the water. Enter reptiles, and then dinosaurs.

Dinner:
For Daring Eaters: Frog Legs
For the Rest of Us: Vegetarian Night! Edamame and a recipe with leaves and lentils.

After Dinner Treat: Gummi-Dinosaurs

Wednesday-Birds evolved from some dinosaurs, many of which had feathers and claws like a chicken.
Dinner: A whole Roasted Chicken

After Dinner Treat: jelly eggs or jelly beans

Thursday-The mammals evolved next
Dinner: Pork or Beef
After Dinner Treat: Gummi-Bears

Friday-Going Bananas! Celebrate our closest ancestors, the monkeys!
Dinner: How many banana recipes can you come up with? I haven’t gotten that far in my research yet. But in this monkey phase, it’ll be all bananas. And no eating at the table. It’s on the floor for this meal. No utensils, either!

Desert: Banana Cream Pie, of course

Saturday-Moral and Rational Humanity
Formal Breakfast-whatever you like. Decorate the table. Play your favorite classical music (ours is Mozart). Celebrate capabilities of the human brain. Focus on the positive aspects of human nature.

Use these meals to help your children learn how life evolved. If your kids are toddler and preschool age, all of these details and books are unnecessary. I recommend activities that focus on observing the diversity of species, rather than origins. And I DO recommend playing up the Darwin Day celebration with the little ones, so they grow up with it as a regular tradition, like Christmas.

AgnosticMom reader, Ron, shared an idea for parents of babies. Click here to read his comment. If you scroll further down to Lynn’s comment, she provided a link to a great site highlighting children’s books about nature.

I had hoped to give some additional activity ideas, but I have run out of time. I will be away in Phoenix all day tomorrow, so I am not sure whether I will be able to post again by Sunday or not. All of you who celebrate the day in some way, whether it’s a party with friends, a visit to your local humanist group, or a holiday with your kids, please give us a report.

And if you do nothing else, light a candle Sunday night for Charles Darwin, who brought us out of the darkness of ignorance.

How do we celebrate Darwin’s Day? AgnosticMom is creating some family-oriented traditions for our families to adopt, because from all I have seen, the current celebrations are adult in nature. If you don’t have kids, look at this page of events. It is a world-wide list with links, ranked by country alphabetically (U.S. celebrations are down toward the bottom). The lists give a description of the event, and all the information. Most events have speakers. A humanist organization in my hometown, is having FISH at a restaraunt (as in the Darwin fish). The organization pushing the Darwin Day movement describes having a “Phylum Feast”, a feast with an enormous variety of meats from various phylum.

Some groups celebrate for one day, on the actual birthday. Some groups extend the celebration out for the entire week.

As I mentioned before, I have been formulating ideas for a family holiday, celebrated in the home, as a yearly tradition. My kids are on pins and needles. It should be a fun, highly anticipated, but also educational holiday for the kids, a cornerstone holiday for secular families.

Over the next few days, I will give you some ideas so you can decide how you want to celebrate it. These ideas will range for toddlers, to elementary ages, to young teens, whether you want a one-day celebration, or a week-long one. I will give food and actvity ideas. It’s going to be FUN! I can’t wait.

Why do I think Darwin’s accomplishment is important enough to warrant a holiday? What basis would there be in testing animals for disease research if we are not related, according to the theory of evoution? We have Darwin to thank for so many of our life-saving and life-extending accomplishments. One of AgnosticMom’s readers, Ed Darrell pointed me to an anti-evolutionist’s blog where Ed commented with a list of the many ways Darwin’s discovery of evolution has blessed our lives. I copied it for your reading pleasure.

“It’s the theory behind infectious disease control, crop development, animal husbandry, cancer treatments and cures, diabetes diagnoses, treatment and hope for cure, treatments for cystic fibrosis, the fight against crop pests (notably cotton boll weevils, wheat smut and wheat aphids, and imported Argentine fire ants), wildlife management, and flower development”.

Here is what you can expect at AgnosticMom over the next few days:

#1 A review of a children’s book which explains the evolution of life from the beginning lifeless days of the world, to the world in which men and women walk. I will be using this book as the guide to our weeklong celebration.

#2 A map of my weeklong celebration, with meal and treat ideas.

#3 Game and activity ideas for toddlers, elementary-age children, and teens.

If you have children’s books about Darwin, or activities to recommend, post your comments please!

One last thing. You can help move this cause forward by writing letters to your news editor to announce the upcoming holiday. AgnosticMom readers span the country, from Pennsylvania to Washington to California. Let’s get the word out.

Happy upcoming Darwin Day!

If I could type the thoughts I had at that time, they would be full of loss-for-words stuttering. We discontinued the prayer ritual when Trinity was two-and-a-half years old. She just turned six. Still, she is familiar with prayer, because whenever we are around extended family, they always say one.

I am not one to say agnostics should not pray. As Ron commented on my last post, prayer appears to have mental and physical health benefits. Israel and I made the decision to discontinue the practice for a couple of reasons.

Anyone who knew me when I was an active church member would not believe this, but I never found prayer, specifically group prayer, to be comfortable. When I was the one saying it out loud, which I did many times a week for thirty years, I felt so awkward.

Late in life (too late) I learned to counter my excellent-eye-contact nature when it came time for a group prayer. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out that if a person is looking to ask someone to pray, the one they are most likely to pick is the one smiling up at them. That was always be me, until I figured out the trick: keep your head down and your eyes on the floor or at a book. So, in terms of comfort, it was an easy choice to stop the family prayer ritual once I was no longer a god-believer.

We had another reason for doing away with prayer. We had previously instilled in our children a belief in God and Jesus Christ. Weekends stays with the grandparents and visits to the old church while Israel and I go out of town reinforce their belief. Continuing to pray would only further the reinforcement.

Since we have not tried to blatantly destroy our children’s belief in a god, we have not given the kids a clear reason for why we don’t pray. It is one of those issue where I am walking with a slightly transparent blindfold on, my arms stretched out for possible collissions. I’m hoping we’re doing this right, not shoving atheism into their little innocent heads, while also not encouraging belief practices.

This is why I didn’t know what to say when Trinity asked if we could pray for the special occasion of Dad’s birthday. How do you dash a little girls wishes, but also hold your ground? My sheepish answer was, “Well, that’s not our religion, honey.”

In the background I could hear Blake call out, “No. No prayers.”

So instead of the prayer, we all took a turn saying something we like about Daddy.

Blake: He likes video games.
Trinity: He makes videos (digital video, that is).
Me: I love his sense of humor and he’s very smart.
Aiden: I like shrimp (he said as he stuck a carrot slice in his mouth).

I do have a little prayer replacement activity. We only do it periodically, in order to avoid the redundancy of words I endured growing up, having multiple daily prayers. At the start of a meal I ask the kids to tell me some things they are grateful for. This way they are still acknowledging their many blessings. Sometimes I add a second part, where I ask the kids what kind of positive change they would like to make in the world or the community. If there was one thing in the world they could do to have a positive affect, what would it be? After all, we’re not waiting for a god to do it. It’s up to us.

According to an article in the Spiritual Life section of my local paper, The East Valley Tribune, Linda speaks at 6 major women’s conferences every year, teaching women to be . . . well, what the scriptures say they should be.

While many modern Christians choose to ignore certain biblical passages, Linda wants them them to face what they say, and obey them. The passage in question is Titus 2:3-5.

“Teach the older women to be quiet and respectful in everything they do . . . These older women must train the younger women to . . . be sensible and clean-minded, spending their time in their own homes, being kind and obedient to their husbands, so that the Christian faith can’t be spoken against by those who know them.”

A person who knows history would interpret that passage to be a reflection of Roman culture, as opposed to a commandment from God, let alone the secret to healthy marriages. In the first days of Christianity, women led many of the church meetings, which were held in private homes. Women originally had strong influence in the Christian church. Some Christian women, in those earlier days, were independent and controlled their own businesses and money, unlike the other Roman women. The submissive wife icon in Titus probably surfaced to appease the non-Christian Roman majority and traditional Christians, who disapproved of a stronger woman. It was a move toward mainstream. It is possible that Christianity could have led the world in gender equality. Instead it squashed its initial trend toward freedom and equality for women and reversed it.

The passage in Titus is now irrelevant since our culture does not respect the idea of a wife who “obeys” her husband, as the scripture suggested. It will not now improve the Christian image. But more revelent than their image, is that it is harmful to society.

Linda Rogers gave an example of a person’s relationship to her boss, to describe the appropriate relationship of a husband and wife. According to the article, she teaches women to”submit to husbands as they would bosses.”

Why do some people not see the sick nature of the “Husband is the head of the wife and children” idea? Do they not know what it means for a woman to consistently subvert her opinion concerning her own life and the lives of her children? It makes no sense whatsoever. A healthy relationship is give-and-take. A marriage is a partnership. They work out the problems together. If they cannot come to agreement, they may decide not to move forward on that particular matter. Or one may relent because the subject is more important to the other. Or the other may give in because they realize they don’t understand the subject as well. Each partner in the marriage has their own various strengths, wisdom, and passions regarding certain matters. Each partner is just as vested in the direction of the family as the other. It is nonsensical to live by a concept of one person being the head, who always makes the final decisions on matters.

This subject enrages me. I cannot believe the arrogance of the man who accepts such a tradition. I cannot believe the selfishness of him who pretends it comes from God.

I am not worried that Linda Rogers will succeed in her goal to enslave women. I think she will fail. In fact, my hope is that more people will face the destructive verse in Titus and decide it is healthier to take the Bible with a grain of salt; to see it more as guide with some meaningful (and some not so meaningful) symbolic stories, rather than a literal instruction manual.

Silence filled the space that my loss for words left. I stared at Blake for a minute. What other heroes have I introduced to him? Rosa Parks died not long ago, and we discussed her. Black again. I searched my brain files for any other heroes I must have introduced to him.

A-ha! Benjamin Franklin! We have a video about Benjamin Franklin learning how to harness electricity. In the movie, Franklin had to battle a religious fundamentalist who was trying to impede his research. It took much perseverance and faith in himself to finally prevail. Blake loved that video.

“Well, they’re not all black, honey. Benjamin Franklin was a hero, and he wasn’t black.” It was a step in the right direction, but clearly I had failed to provide my son with more than three or four examples of excellent human beings.

Growing up, the hero of my childhood was Nephi from the Book of Mormon. Nephi was a perfect person, with the exception of one tiny flaw. Nephi’s one sin was that he sometimes felt anger toward his wicked brothers who were trying to kill him. No wonder I have overwhelming and unrealistic expectations for myself: the biggest childhood hero of my life was AT LEAST as perfect as Jesus.

When I had kids, and especially when I left my church and all of its out-of-this-world heroes, I vowed I would expose my children to the world’s many great real heroes. I am now facing the reality that I haven’t done so well.

Yesterday, as I analyzed, and over-analyzed, the situation, I realized what is missing. I realized one of the reasons we, as agnostic parents, are feeling such a great need for a guiding source. We are missing a system for imparting our values to our children, that religious families normally get from their church.

The Mormon Church is the master of systems for teaching children. This is why the community is so tight, their familes are so strong, and such a large percentage of them actually make it to marriage in pure and complete innocence!

Let me show you how structured the Mormon community is in regard to teaching their young:

• Weekly church and Sunday School lessons
• Weekly Monday night Family Home Evenings (lessons)
• Daily family prayer and scripture reading
• Monthly visits from Home Teachers (each family is assigned two men who come to the home to give a lesson.)
• Weekly activities for teens, monthly activities for the children
• Monthly children’s magazine with lessons, stories, and learning activities
• Multiple free handbooks for family lesson plans on various moral and doctrinal topics

It was SO EASY to be a Mormon parent. The church put material directly into our hands. Agnostic and athiest parents have to conceive our own system for providing “lessons” to our children. Even more difficult, we have to do our own research to find the material. No one is giving us free handbooks with activities to demonstrate our values, arranged in formats that appeal to children of all ages.

I actually have been developing a system of timing. I’ve been using holidays as a sort of schedule to trigger ideas.

Some examples of holiday-triggered values:

• New Year- goals, ambition, ability to change and improve
• Civil Rights Day- courage, accepting others, forgiveness
• Easter- nature, spiritual rebirth
• Independence Day- patriotism, democracy, liberty and freedom
• 9/11- awareness and gratitude of our local firefighters and police officers and their families, community

I think the holidays, regular reading time, play groups, and other day-to-day experiences provide an adequate scheduling system to cover all the important things we want to share with our children. The difficulty is coming up with the tools for sharing the ideas, such as activities and books. That is the part that requires so much research when you don’t have a handbook given to you from church.

Civil Rights Day was so easy, because the school recommended books. The other holidays will require much more research. And since many of those other holidays also demand planning for giant feasts, extra shopping, and other activities, that just doesn’t leave as much time for educational research, does it?

I am going to continue what I started this month, which is to share my ideas and resources for educational and values-sharing activities and books for our children. They will mostly happen around the holidays, but I will add some other topics in here and there. I hope some of you will share your ideas as well.

At some point, my parents began listening to Rush Limbaugh. He was on two different stations at different times of the day, so we had Rush for 6 hours every day. My parents played him on every radio in the house. No matter where you were, you could hear.

I really can’t live my life without these voices, at least at some point in my day. But I’m not into hearing Rush tell me that my rejection of a belief in God is because I want the ability to be immoral without guilt.

So I have found a more tolerant host. Although I disagree with him seventy percent of the time, I love Dennis Prager. He “prefers clarity over agreement.” And that is what I get from him. Clarity. Not as much agreement.

So this is my third time referring to his show. He provides me much brain food, therefore, you can expect to hear of him more in the future at AgnosticMom.

Dennis Prager spoke of a man who apologized to his son for “giving a worse America to you than my father gave to me.”

Although there may be some truth in the statement, I have to wonder if it is really so, overall. I mean, I’m sure the African Americans who, at one time, had to drink from different water fountains and go to different schools would disagree. And I’m sure the women who weren’t allowed to vote would disagree. I’m sure the hispanics in my hometown, who were not allowed in the public pools, would disagree.

I bet the girls who were blamed for their own rapes would disagree. I bet the parents of depressed suicidal teens, who were told their children had lost their seat in heaven, would disagree. I bet the children with ADHD, who were smacked with a whip in school for not controlling themselves, would disagree.

I wonder if the “love children”, the bastards, who were labled dirty for coming too soon, would agree? Or what about those permanently paralyzed by polio, before there was a cure? How about the single mothers who couldn’t get a decent enough job to feed their family?

We could go back a few more generations, to the lawlessness of the old west,
the ruling gangs of New York, the slaves of the south. Child labor? Public education by way of the Bible? Or what about NO public education?

Yes, there may be spots where America has done a nose-dive down a slippery slope. But does it really balance out to a net loss? I don’t think so. I’d say, for many, America is a much better, safer place.

I’m a new parent, a stay-at-home-dad, and born-again agnostic doing my initial groundwork for making sure our nest is well lined, insulated from destructive influences, and harmonious!

I am looking for resources, community, and information for agnostic parenting. I am surprised at how challenging this has been – there are assemblies (both real and virtual) for every kind of person imaginable, but the oft demonized ‘teaming masses’ of secularists are in reality very hard to find! Makes the claims of our influence and numbers seem awfully questionable.

Would it be possible to supply more links, if you have them – more connections to similar blogs?

I am sorry to disappoint you, Ron, but I have been scouring the internet, and what I have to report is bad. In terms of agnostic parenting blogs, there is one. Only one. Mine.

On the off-chance I am wrong, and I somehow missed a good blog that deals with agnostic/athiest parenting, I would love for someone to send me a link. I created AgnosticMom after 3 years of finding very little regarding secular families. At Ron’s request, I repeated my search of the blogosphere in hopes of finding newer ones. Nothing.

Almost all agnostic/athiest blogs fit into three categories:

#1 Pure Philosophy (not dealing with day to day practicalities)-I’m sorry, but I find this so boring. Many of us secularist types are already philosophical people. We lay in our beds philosophizing. We daydream, with our lattes in hand, philosophizing. I am full of philosophizing, and I need some practical ideas for practical living, especially for my children.

#2 Ranting and Raving I like a little ranting and raving. I do it myself. But if ranting and raving is all you are doing, where is your life? Once again, the practicality is missing. The rants and raves should be intermittent side notes.

#3 Watchdog Watchdogs are good. I like watchdogs. But it only meets a portion of parental needs. In my searching I found a good watchdog that I like: Be Reasonable

One of my readers, Zoe, has an interesting blog. I like that it has a personal touch, which I find lacking in most of the other agnostic/athiest blogs. Hers focuses on the difficulty of leaving born-again fundamentalism. She shares experiences she has with her still-fundamentalist friends. She is thoughtful and, while not afraid to point out her frustrations with religion and its culture, she is respectful. She shares interesting personal experiences. (Side note: when I went to her site to copy her address for this post, I noticed she has a link to AgnosticMom. Thanks, Zoe!). A Complicated Salvation

For real exposure to other agnostic/athiest blogs, go see the Carnival of the Godless. Every two weeks, godless bloggers submit an article. Every other Sunday those articles are showcased with links to the contributers’ blogs. You get a variety of ranters, philosophers, and watchdogs. None of them really fit Ron’s request, so I’m just providing a link to the entire carnival. The Carnival of the Godless

I’m sorry this is all I have to offer in terms of blogs. There is a very informative website (not a blog) called Ethical Athiest. It has a lot of educational articles. They have a parent-related section, but it is very general, and it is not yet complete.

Things are bleak for non-religious parents. This is why I encourage everyone to share their experiences and ideas, concerns and difficulties, here in comments on AgnosticMom.

Yeah, I know it’s super-cheesey. But you can be cheesey with kids. That’s the fun part of being a parent.

It had occurred to me that I do sun salutations many mornings by myself. Why not involve my kids? It’s a nice way to begin the day with the family. It’s healthy. It teaches them mind-body awareness, deep-breathing, and introduces a positive outlook to their every day.

This morning, I asked the kids if they wanted to do Sun Salutations with me again. Trinity and Aiden jumped up from their lounging positions on the sofa, and made a circle with me. Blake, my oldest, stayed right where he was.

“You don’t want to do it today, Blake?”

His answer was one I never expected, “I already did it this morning in my room when I got up.”

Oh, how sweet is that? My 8 year-old boy initiating his own yoga Sun Salutation first thing in the morning! This is my boy, who needs very little sleep. He spends one quarter of his time in bed at night reading (I even found him reading at 3 am. recently), then hops out of bed around 5 am. as awake as a human body can possibly be, as if he’d had 5 cups of coffee and a Full Throttle to top it off. And now, after one quick lesson of Sun Salutations, he’s doing it himself in his room.

I love that kid.

If I can make it past Trinity’s birthday party today without needing a nap afterward, this is what I plan on doing with my kids, before we start the party (party, as in: Israel and I are getting old and can’t stay up past ten anymore, so we will play games with the kids, and go to bed like any other night):

1. Look through the scrapbook from the previous year with each child.
2. Ask the following questions:
What did you do this year that you are proud of?
What is your funnest memory?
What did you try that was new?
3. Write down the answers for their scrapbooks.
4. Ask: “What would you like to try or improve for the coming year?”
5. Write it on a piece of paper, and tell the child that you are stashing it away until Easter. Easter, a holiday about new life and rebirth, is a great time to review the goal and check on the progress.

I thought I’d share it in case any parents out there are looking for some ideas on involving their kids and adding meaning to a holiday that usually focuses on partying adults. I like my adult parties, but since this day is also my daughter’s birthday, it’s hard to justify not being with her.

One of my favorite holiday traditions is our Pre-Christmas evening with our best friends, Tami and Larry Keim. (Yes, you know Larry. And if you read my comments, you’ve heard from Tami, also). On this night, we get the kids down to bed right as Tami and Larry arrive at our home. We break open champaigne or Egg Nog, have some dessert, and exchange PRESENTS!

Tami is one of those more-thoughtful-than-average present-givers. I know this because, not only do I receive gifts from her, I have also gone gift-shopping with her. She will go from store to store to find just the right item, in just the right style. My awesome husband, Israel, is one of other best gift-givers I’ve known. He crawls to the end of the world for the most supreme presents for my birthdays, Christmas, and all those other days that bind us with the social requirement of gift-shopping.

But I digress . . . big-time. On this Christmas-For-The-Adults evening, we also exchange stories. We’re a story-sharing group, and are known for spending 5 hours at a restaurant (yes, we tip our servers well). Somehow, this evening, like most evenings, we got to the subject of evolution, and how it is so foreign to some people, that they can’t imagine any of their acquaintances actually accept it!

I told them of my dear sister-in-law, who says she has the WEIRDEST brother-in-law. When I asked her what made him so weird, she told me he actually believes in evolution! He read a book, and “automatically believes everything, just because it’s in a book.”

Then there is one of my husband’s aunts, who told me how she’s having to endure this awful geology class, wasting her time learning things that are just not true; for example, that some rocks are billions of years old. In her mind, if they say it is more than 6 or 7,ooo years old, they are wrong.

I love these two ladies. But I can’t believe people I am close with still think this way. Larry had his own contribution to the evolution-rejecting phenonemon. He told us about an article he read in a blog, where the writer describes a similar experience, and then shares a fascinating story of evolution and “Mother Acanthostega” (as opposed to Mother Eve). This is my first time hearing a description of the ancestor that links humans (and all mammals) to our ancestors of the sea.

Right after Christmas, Larry sent me a link to the blog with this article, so I got to read it for myself. What I love about the writer, darksyde, and his way of teaching, is his story-telling style. It’s almost like reading Dean Koontz, except that the names are harder to follow. So it takes a little more concentration. I have criticized science educators for failing to teach. They don’t know how to reach the masses: the majority of us who are not science-oriented. They need to learn from scientists like Carl Sagan, or like this blogger, darksyde.

So I encourage you to go check out this blog. It is my late holiday gift to you, which I am re-gifting from Larry.

Right away Trinity was at it, “Mom, I’m not sure if you want Aiden to eat that meat he got from the fridge.”

My first thought was to just ignore her. The kids can’t handle a single step without somehow involving me. But the idea of Aiden having meat kept bothering me. I ate the last of the sandwich meat yesterday.

My Mommy Conscience convinced me to check it out. There was Aiden, sitting at the patio table, pulling out a nice, thick piece of raw pork. He had it between both hands, mouth watering, and was ready to sink his teeth into the juicy flesh.

Once I managed that crisis, I was ready to steal away for a shower. Peace doesn’t last long in a house with three young kids. Aiden walked into my bathroom as I was fixing my hair, saying, “Mama, my hands got dirty.”

Sure enough, he had covered them in both brown and powdered sugar. And it was around his mouth. And the front of his shirt. I stood him in the empty shower, told him to “Stay!”, and ran to the kitchen to see what kind of disaster I had there . . . and whether the dog had discovered it.

In the afternoon, I planned to cut out sugar cookies with the two older kids while Aiden napped. This would be the day he decided he just couldn’t fall asleep. So now it was all three kids.

All three kids, six hyper-active hands moving too fast for me; jabbing their cutters half on, half off the dough; smashing each others’ completed shapes while trying to make their own; three mouths fighting, complaining, whining. I don’t know how many times I sent various children to time-out during that family traditional moment. Even my 8-year-old. It’s been years since Blake sat on an actual time-out chair.

Finally, I’d had enough of the noise and confusion. I sent them all out while I re-organized the kitchen. When I was ready, I called each child in one last time, alone, to cut out two more cookies. Afterward, I banned them from my sacred space while I finished.

In the semi-quiet of the kitchen, I cut out the last four cookies, then came to the living room to relax on the couch. And there was the last surprise of the day: a big, dark pen scribble on our ottomon.

Nice.

Israel and I both grew up with Christmas. Even though I don’t believe Jesus was born of a virgin, or that he rose three days after his death, I choose to celebrate Christmas because I believe traditions are healthy for the soul. I also recognize the power of ritual and symbolism, which religions capitalize on. What is it about the human mind that is so effected by ritual and symbolism? Christmas is rich with symbolism.

As a child, this memorable holiday provided benchmarks for my life. It added a magical, mysterious element to my world that I would never deny my children. Christmas gave me evenings with my family, playing games, trying new foods, bringing treats to friends and neighbors.

As an adult, Christmas has taught me to be more aware of others. I am not a natural gift-giver. To some people, nothing says “I love you” better than a gift. I am more receptive to gifts of praise! While I enjoy receiving a present, it’s not important to me. This is why, I have also never been good at thinking of what someone else might want. Over the years, because of Christmas, I have worked on improving my gift-giving skills. Preparing for Christmas has taught me to pay more attention to others and the things they enjoy.

I want to extend an invitation to my readers. I am curious to know how many athiests, agnostics, and other non-religious types, celebrate a religious holiday for this season. Whether you know me personally or not, whether you have commented before or not, I hope you will participate and give the following information:

1. Explain your non-belief or beliefs (example: I am agnostic).
2. Tell us whether you choose to observe one of the religious holidays of the season, and which one.
3. Explain why you justify celebrating or not celebrating.
4. Tell us if you have adapted the holiday a certain way to accomodate your secularism.